= ::: What The Hell ::: =

I dont know what can i do now, today in school keep thinking about him again, no matter how i hate him, i still thinking of him. Really very regret why last night i wan online. Anyway, stop talking him here.

Today my club was starting, i join a Wudo club, something like fighting wan, alot guys was get shock cause less girl have join only, 60 people have 6 was girls only, and i'm the most best girl in there. Also can say i better then alot guys also. XD ofcours la, cause i'm fat and my bone so strong wan.

I try join alot thing now, always afterschool then go friend house tuition, when free go badminton club for fun. I always will later home after 7.00pm now. But today when i finish tuition i was talking school thing v my best friend. She know me already have 6 years, i dont know why last year she wan join v that all girl and fight v me, but lucky today she have tell me. I dont know today she treat me good is really good anot. I dont know tomorrow she will tell what i tell her today anot. But i still wan to believe. I dont know why, i let alot ppl fake be4, hurt be4, but i still wan believe them. Some dont have la.

I know why last time all girls was argue v me, cause have alot mistake they know me. I tell her today, i dont wan explain v them cause i'm not really care about what they think me now. And i wont explain for her cause she know me more longer then them. I v her already was 6 year best buddy. Who am i she know more then them. She my only one know 6 year in school now. Others all already finish SPM.

I tell her alot thing, and i know alot thing also. I dont wan be ke po to knwo ppl secret. But atleast i know how they think me now. Say me cheap ? Say me so open ? Say my photo have problem? Say i have mental problem? What the fuck. Who more cheap then who no need i say they all also know, go ppl party wear bikini, i know that party sure wan wear it, but they have wear it i dont have also say me cheap ? I just close v guys, always hug and hold them only, but i'm not who also hug. I ask my best buddy, did she saw i hug or hold or kiss any guys in our class, she say no. Ofcours la, i'm not close v them also. I just will hug who i trust and close friend only.

Say i very open always hug and talking ham sap thing v others? But what i know is they do this more then me, what i know all also they teach me wan. Somemore i always was open mind, have any problem? Why say until they not open mind also? What i know is they more open mind then me what ! My photo have problem? Now everyone also take it, i will delete my friendster cause i dont wan let them see my photo. Cause what i know is when computer class they online sure open school ppl profile and look, look never mind, somemore still wan say more bad thing v them. Really yi ma gu jie , sam gu lok po all also there.

Why people mouth wan me so bad? What i know is they not this bad at all, just like talking ppl bad thing. School have a japan girl new student come, but she dont know speak japanese. But she keep bully people. My class all so hate her cause she keep bully their younger sister. So all fight back. Really no i comment about them. Abit thing then say others Sok Cun, scared them so dont wan fight back or else. Really if clever people still will choose quite right, haiz....what a friends....nonono, is what a classmate i have now.

Boys i think is ok, just girls...really ke po until....no comment. But anyway, this last year, so i also talk some v them. I say not means i agree what they do. Haiz...Anyway, i just try use alot way to stop thinking him only. Never mind la, i will be fine later. Finish this blog i wan on msn see have any msn they leave it to me. If not...then good, if have...then really alamak.

Oh ya, one more, today after i tuition my teacher was pray for me, and i cry, i tell her i have alot hate in my heart, v parents, v friends, v lover. When she pray foor jesus i cry, after that i feel cant breath, i get more and more angry, i know my heart was evil, but she say i look like a good girl, but who know ? Face and heart is different. I let teacher know i cut my hand and try to die be4, she ask me dont do it anymore, i'm sure say ok. Cause i promise Ah Boy be4 i wont hurt myself again, and i also very regret when i saw that...hurt on my hand. Always feel heart so pain can cant forgive and forgot it.

Anywaym still the same, God Bless Me and All Of You All.

--- ::: God Help ::: ---

I was using one week time no online and no sms no misscall him anymore. I thought i already hate him and put him down. So just now i online. He find me, ask me scold one girl, i dont know what wrong. Then he invite me chatt v that girl. I know he love her, so i no bother anymore. He keep scolding me bad words, at the end, he ask me leave that room also. Cause i keep asking that girl what he do make him angry and sad ? Then the girl tell me in friendster she write she will miss her ex bf, then he angry.

I know Shin was jealous about that. So i no say anything. I ask she tam him back but that girl say she no feeling v Shin. And say she still love her ex alot. Shin keep scolding me bad words without reason. My heart get hurt now, i dont know what can i do now. That girl dont love him cause she think Shin is play boy, so she dont wan accept him. And she tell Shin give her time put her ex bf down she just accept him, then Shin angry. I dont know why he wan me help him scold that girl. Who am i for him ? He dont wan let me know he love that girl, but at early i already know it.

I really dont wan bother and dont wan know his thing anymore, God, plsease protect him i wish he be happy, but i also wish he happy or love who dont let me know anymore. You can take all my happiness for him, but dont let me know it. God, what can i do now....

I dont wan online 1 week again, really....dont wan online 2 week. NONONO, i think 1 month better. God, bless me and him and my parents. I wish my happiness can give all of them, all their sadness will give me. I dont mind what you wan me to do anymore , just they happy i dont mind anymore. Let me can focus my SPM this year, others thing i really dont wan bother anymore. He love who not my biness anymore. My heart no more love anyone, no more hate anymore. I need a normal life, no love no hate. God Bless Me.

--- ::: Hope So ::: ---

Well, i cant log in his friendster anymore. Cause he already changes he password. But he never tell me. I guess he dont no need or dont wan me anymore .Maybe he thought my acc already delete him or else. But my friendster acc is already be delete. I'm sure he already mistake me and angry me. But...what can i do. That day untill now, he never miss call me and sms me. He look like dont care me anymore. Maybe that day i no reply him so he dont find me anymore. But never mind, he so many girl's friend and alot people chatting v him. Have me anot also never mind.

I have buy one nice book for writing my dairy. And all inside i write the first word is his name "Yan". When i finish write his book then i just start write what i wan tell him. I scared to sms and miss call him. I scared hear he scold me again. I scared he angry me again. I scared i cant let him go anymore. So what i wan to tell him i write all in that book. One normal book also wan RM 22 leh, so expensive. But the paper really nice, this is first time i buy normal line book so expensive. My sis all say me watse money also. But....anyway, i also have bought three pen - blue, dark and red for using that book also. Especially wan XD

I damn missing Shin alot. Anything i wan ask him or tell him i write all inside. I feel so happy and hurt when i was writing. Somemore i think about last time when i was together v him, how sweet we are. So i write untill so happy. But mostly i write untill so sad...cause i keep thinking nagative. Dont know why, auto think about it.

Oh ya, and my classmate. That girl's all fighting now, really dont know why they wan be friend last time. Always argue. I know friend argue is normal, but actually all also dont like each others, all also talk each other bad thing behide them. Last time i get it, so i not so close v them, now is that girl . Really pity v her, so when i free i was talking v her. Beside, this girl last time say me bad thing untill so bad. But...Never la.

I keep alot question in my mind, but mostly is asking myself how Shin. Last time i was damn worry about him. But now i can sure he wont. Because i too understand him. But when he always ask am i really understand him? I always answer no. Not really dont understand him, is because understand that why dont wan tell. I'm sure he can take care himself anymore, no need asking him no need care him and also no need love him. Last time i told u all i saw him in one utama v his god-sis is it? Now think back, he give me the feeling was different. I no more love him much now. Abit got, so i keep writing any msg for him in that book.

Today i write awhile, i suddenly remind back what he done to me last time. He say love me but together v other girl. Somemore wan me wait untill the end i what also no get it. Between he have sex v that girl, he say is the girl ask him to sex and say that girl force him. When i say that girl cheap he was damn angry me. On that time i already know he Damn Full Love her more then love me. Last time i was very confuse it so i no think porperly, but today i think back what my god-bro tell me, he say "if one guy not really wan it, no one can force him."

Shin have tell me before, no one can force him do anything. Ya he right, when i akways forcing him he really always say cant and no. But he was tell me he having sex v that girl, first is that girl open mouth ask first. Second is she was his gf, so need have it. I really cant image it. Just keep non stop crying few month that time. Lucky now just remind back and get hurt only. Then no more. I keep telling myself why i cant forgive him ? Why i always think about it ? It already past is it?

Beside, still the same, have alot people aks me put him down also. Aks me stop loving him also. I dont know what can i do. Really dont know why everyone also wish i let him go. And also wish he let me go also. If he or me dont let each others go , others people sure will do alot thing make us broke. And now as they wish, we broke. But they still dont wan stop it, still keep continue do alot thing. I dont wan know and hear all thing about him anymore. Just let me rest more.

At the end, still same...God Pls Care and Help Him So Much. Alliluyah. Ah Men. God Bless Me.

::: — Just You Happy — :::

My friendster already delete, i no more website can play now. The only one i play is blogspot now. I was very very boring no more friendster. No more comment see no more upload new pic. But...i still can log in Shin profile looking around. He have giving me his pass last time untill now, cause is for helping him edit pic or edit friendster backgroup.

Anyway, i just finish cry again. I keep thinking negative abour Jia Li and Shin. I know Shin wont love her, and i know she wont love him also. Cause Jia Li have one so lovely bf. As i know she damn love him like i love Shin also. But i also still cant accept he holding and laying v Shin.

For them i know they just friend so normal. But i cant accept why Shin can holding others girl, hug then or let them touch him or he touch them. But for me why not? I dont understand at all. Is it he know i love him so he keep away ? He scared i mistake or what ? How come? I know he dont love me anymore, but at least hug me also can? Just friend hug, pls...

If he really think he dont wan hug me is the most good then he was wrong !!! This will be hurt me more only !!! Did he know that ? I know he sure. But he also do that. Last night he tell me he feel boring , wan find gf for bully. But dont know find who. Then i ask him how about bonnie? kinkis? gigi? or else? He say else gua. But he also have say the most more changes is bonnie. And say he wan watch movie "The Game Plan", he told me no one go watch v him. Then i say i promise help him find people go watch v him. I know i cant touch him anymore when today he tell me we not a couple so he dont wan hug me.

But when i help him find ppl go watch movie he say dont wan, cause i find that one is guy, he wan go out v girl. After that he say never mind, maybe he will go watch v bonnie. Last time he first time asking bonnie out is hold hand whole day. How about this time he go watch movie v bonnie? I remember when i first time watch movie v him is 30 sept 2007. Also my first kiss giving to him that day. I really cant image again when he go out v bonnie . I cant think again. Cause i think more and more negative now.

Beside my life not much now. My whole family also have serious sick, if we dont take care ourself we anytime also will suddenly go. I really wish i can hug v him so tie, kiss him harder, and wan him fall in love v me one more time. Also last time, wish he will tell me again "I Love You". But i know this wont come anymore. Haiz...if one day i really suddenly fall down and cant wake up, i wish i never wake up 4ever. I wish i just like this and go v God. I think that place will make me more relax more better then earth.

God will you allowed me go v you ? I know you are the best God in this world. Wish i can fastly go to your side. But be4 i go can pls let him tell me "I Love You" true from he heart ? I really wish he will love me again.

No matter you are Shin or Elson. Both i also love. Forever be in my heart, i will forever loving you. Ever and ever. I promise and swear. I will pray for you all the time again and again. Still the same, just you happy , anything i also dont mind. Even i'm not the special and not the only one in your heart i also dont mind. Just you happy, what you wan me to be i all also dont mind. I promise. And i promise i will support you all the time.

Tell the true, you wearing punk in pic really look cool and nice, but in real life, i dont think so. Opss, i'm sorry i never tell you the true. And i know u no see this blog, but, i wish you happy only. Just you feel when you wearing like this is cool and happy then is ok. Sorry i wan leaving friendster without telling you, sorry i wan leaving your life without telling you. Sorry i wish i wont hear and know about your thing anymore. That why i leaving you.

But i still will pray for you. God, i know you will listen my voice all the time. Pls help me take care and protect Shu Chee Yan all the time, and i promise be4 also, take my happiness all to him. Just he happy i dont mind anymore. And pls help me protect my family also. I Love You So Much Jesus.

* --- God, Pls Help Me --- *

Just back from one utama v mum. Today Shin also have go one utama find his god-sis. I ask him to come. I thought he and his god-sis not so close, i know they know each other more then me, but last time both also tell me both also not so close v each others. Jia Li keep aksing me leave him , last time i really think maybe she think this is good for me, but...now...i...dont think so. Today when Jia Li work break she go eat v Shin. When they back, i saw Jia Li holding Shin hand, my heart shock and pain. I dont know what i support to do. But that time they no saw me, cause i was behide of them. And that time my mum and sis all choosing shoes. So no saw Shin, if not they sure go kill him. Cause my family very very hate him.

When Shin saw me he tell Jia Li i'm there, when Jia Li turn to me i smile for her. She ask me go there and find her i dont wan. One reason is my mum there, second reason is i dont know how to face her. I saw she holding hand v Shin like a couple. And when they both looking at me, Jia Li was laying down on Shin shoulder, and Shin allowed it. Before that i was already meet Shin v myself. My mum dont know. I choose the time when they choosing shirt then i walk to find him. I hug him, but he never hug me, and i blame he now hug me also dont wan. Cause he say we not a couple, if we hug like this look like what ? I say as a friend hug also can ? He no reply.

And now when he going out v others girl, they also holding hand, and have hug , this call friend? This call promise? He say he promise he wan holding them when they come out and shopping. This i really no comment about it, but when i wan he hug me he dont wan, somemore when i hug him he turn he haed to other side. My heart broke, really so pain when i know it. I dont know what can i do anymore. Then i just laugh v him and walk away.

Now i saw i beloved friend Jia Li hold him and lay down on his shoulder in front of me, what i support to do? When i when home, i delete my friendster acc, and i wish to changes phone number and msn also. But i cant, friendster i already delete, but hp and msn cant, cause have long time ago friend in there also. Jia Li, she know i love him, why she wan do this to me? Maybe for her she was long time ago friend v him, and this is normal, cause i hear Shin last time say be4, they always hug.

I no comment about it, and i cant jealous, i keep non stop crying when i remember they holding hand and lay down on his shoulder. I very very heart broke. And i swear, this Shin already changes alot, who also can hold , hug, kiss him or even sex v him also can. I dont wan this kind of guy anymore. Really wan say bye bye this time. I...

What can i support to do...!!! I dont wan cry anymore !!! I dont wan heart pain anymore!!! Who can help me ? God , did u listen my voice? I'm sure you will listen my voice, tell me what can i do now? Tell me why Shin changes untill like this? Why Jia Li wan do that think in front of me...? Why i wan jealous? Why i still loving him so much ? I'm really sorry about that god, is me pray for you say, just he happy anything i also dont mind, but i really no think this, he happy was in front of me, and he happy will make me hurt so much. Is it this is what i support to get when i pray?

But no matter how, i still wish he can happy always, even he do sex or kiss or hug or hold more girls in front of me also nvm, i cry i sad but i will control in front of him. No matter how, he smile is all the best for me, just he happy, i dont mind at all. Even today my mum and sis all already know Shin in one utama and they keep scolding me i also dont mind. I know i'm stupid, but love is stupid. God, i pray for Shin, and all my family now. Pls help me take care all of them, and my aunt, wish she will feel more better now. God, I Love You.

♥ --- Sorry i'm love you so much --- ♥

Well, my undang....is FAIL ! As all my family say, i'm not fail that sure not me. Well, i dont mind this all, cause i also know it XD hahah. Haiz...i fail, but i know one girl be my friend also. Her name is Cui Xian, she a very funny and cute girl, beside she very love to take pic also. I very happy about it ^^ Both of use fail, i get 34/50 Y_Y she get 40/50. We already say next week we gambateh again ^^ hahaha, as my mum say, even how i everyday keep study also no use, cause for my brain, i need to be more work harder then ppl ×3 . Haiz, really...cham...hope my SPM will get pass!

Well, when i was on the way going home ah boy was phone me, and when my cousin hear i talk v boy then she angry, say wan go eat later no go also. FUCK ! I very super hungry leh ! Whole day no eat also ! DIU! After that i keep chatting v ah boy lo, but he since like busy. So i off his phone, later he send msg say me bad, ask me dont choi him anymore. Then i say dont choi dont choi lo, got gold leh! But he need to care me XD

Anyway, when i back home my first sis call me ask me wan go sing K anot, sure i say yes! Cause i always wan go sing it XD We go the curve red box sing, at 6.00pm sing untill 9.30pm, we sing alot old and new song. I very happy today, and one thing good was i no crying, when i back home, i ask my sis wherether can go sg.wang and ts anot? I wan buy cloth, btw i also wan find shirt for Shin! But sure sis dont know this. So sis agree tomorrow we go sg.wang and ts. I very happy about it.

After that when i ask her Shin also wan follow us go buy cloth can anot they face all changes, and my cousin keep saying last time thing again, i already explain that was mistake! FUCK! Then i very angry go back room, i angry not because sis say NOT ALLOWED SHIN GO OUT V US! I angry is my cousin always like this! When i explain dont listen, after that bla bla bla. I very Du Lan leh ! When i back too room i cry again, i keep talking v myself, why they all like this think shin, he last time do that all too me also not his fault, somemore alot thing also i mistake him. Wan me stop contact v him i cant do that! I very very love him, but i never wish to back v him, cause i know he sure say..."dont know, see lo, this thing i dont have much wish" i know he heart no more me, and i no force him. Already normal, but i really wanna see him.

Always hear he say who who looking at him, who who kiss him, touch him, hug him , he hold who, touch who i very very jealous and angry. But i know i cant. Well, anyway, he happy then enough, i wont stop anything anymore. Later i go bath, when i bathing i smoke again, i think alot thing again, but when i smoke i feel better, no more sad and others, so now just can open computer and write blog. Actually today i dont wan online wan. Haiz...but also Shin ask me online la, say wan chatt something. My shopping sg.wang change already, changes to one utama and go out v my mum. This is changes when i say Shin also wan following us later.

Ah ! I dont know what i'm thinking about ! Dont know what i'm talking about. Haiz...family alreayd got alot problem, for work for family all also! I dont wan give them alot problem anymore. But they wan start keep thinking this and that i also cant control. Just hope they no distrud me then can already, cause i having SPM this year , i really try my best focus on my study. Hope they wont break my moody!

Anyway , actually god today also treat me so good, know one more new friend, going out v sis, give me the heart for make me feel wan study. Last time how lazy i am i already know, but dont know this year why so hard working, really need thanks god alot ^^

Last thing i wan tell is, Shin, i love u i love u i love u so much. I know u dont know i have blog in here, and u wont see it, beside i also no wish u see it too. I never think be4 wan let u know. No matter what u do, wan have new gf, or bully others, or i'm not the only one in ur heart , or i'm not the one u love anymore, or i'm not the special one let u bully anymore i all also dont mind. Just you happy, what i also dont mind, actually i mind and care alot. But i'm not who for you anymore, just you happy....really just u feel do that you will happy...I...will control myself. I'm so sorry i cant put you down. I'm sorry i love you so much.

--- >>> Promise is a promise <<< ---

Last time when he changes name to Elson means he are sad and loving that girl. And now he changes back to Shin, cause he say he put her down already. This few day he treat me so good, never scold me cause he say he are Shin now, that funny Shin i love last time. I feel so happy about it. Really cant image he changes was in one day. I really very SUPPRISE about that. Beside, me and Ah Boy thing was settle already. We are friend now.

But i know even how Shin back anything also changes. He back, but he heart never back also. I miss Shin, i tell everyone i love Shin, and Shin very love me too. Shin was back, but he dont love me anymore. As he say, even he back anot anything also changes. He heart changes love changes anything also changes. So i still the same --- Alone.

But i happy he treat me so good now, can say he never care me bah. Cause he know alot net girl friend now. He very worry them, when they do abit thing he also will scold him or make fun v them. I thought i'm the only one girl who can make he angry and scold me. I tell myself, should i be happy now？Cause have other girls same like me also. But my heart tell me NO! I wan be the special in his heart. But as i know, is now who also can together v him and take my place. I have told him i still miss him and love him. But...he no comment about it.

Well, is normal i hear it. Anyway, i very gald to hear that he was happy. And i promise and swear be4, He happy, anything i also dont care. So i'm sure god hear it, and now he become so happy. Thanks god alot. Even he dont love me anymore, even he heart dont have me anymore, i promise, just he happy, others i dont care. Just he happy, i dont mind what he done to me last time anymore. Just he happy, just he be fine, just he can smile, what i also can do. Promise.

Ok la, stop here...Tomorrow have test undang, hope i can pass it. But i'm sure i will fail. Haiz...anyway, take second test lo ^^" Gambateh ^^

--- ` Si Beh Du Lan Oo ` ---

Last time i already write i have something just tell Elson never tell Ah Boy, and Elson promise he wont tell Ah Boy, but last night he tell Ah Boy, and i say why he like this one? If like this last time i what also dont wan tell him, then he angry say he nth chatt v me anymore, wont find me anymore. Ma Chao Hai ! I Si Beh Du Lan leh !!! I still dont wan tell ah boy at all !!! Why he very ke po !! He promise he will tell me the conculsion when he chatt finish v ah boy. And After that he dont wan tell me anymore. He ask me ask ah boy, when i ask ah boy, he say nth. What The Fuck !!!

Who am i ? Toy ? Should i support to know what happen and what going on ? Why who also dont wan tell me ? And just now i online, i saw last night Elson send me last msg. He say he dont wan stand middle btw me and ah boy, he feel so tired and hate it !!! So Hai Betul !!! Am i have ask him do it ?!!! NO !!! NEVER !!! Just he tell ah boy himself only, and he never ask my permision. And he say he helping me settle problem. He know if this thing come out from his mouth to ah boy should have many problem. And i dont wish to give ah boy up now also.

And now how ??? I cant focus for my study!! I keep on thinking what wrong v them, what they chatting ? What happen at all ??? Why no one telling me ???!!! Am i really stupid for sitting v myself and keep thinking such fuck thing ? Oh God !!! Help !!! I really dont wish to contact v them anymore. And lucky now i can do it, Elson phone me i no pick up, cause i was on bathing, but when finish bath i also dont wan reply him. And on msn, i have write title say "to two boy, dont find me and chatt !!"

I really very very DU LAN about it anymore !!! They two brother good la!!! From start keep playing me untill now !! The So Hai Elson say he very hate and tired stand btw me and ah boy !! But he never thing how much ah boy stand btw me and Elson ??? Stupid Betul !!! Always think himself like so pity !!! SO HAI !!!! Never think about others !!!

I REALLY SI BEH DU LAN V THEM !!! IDIOT MOTHER FUCKER PUSSY ASS HOLE !!!!

--- ::: ` Happen coming ` ::: ---

Well, this few day Elson have phone me, but today whole day dont have, i wan phone him or sms him ask what he doing . But i cant, i keep telling myseld whole day, i'm not he gf, he not love me, dont fall in love v him, pls give him up.

Yesterday night i have phone v him, he say him self so handsome cause he changes he hair style, but honest, he really is handsome. I wish to see him, but i cant. On last sunday he go out v Bonnie, his net friend, is a beautiful girl. He keep holding her hand walk whole day , i was jealous, but i never let him know, my heart so pain, but i quiet also. Maybe is normal to know this news. So last night i ask him dont kiss that girl, i not allowed, he ask me dont lao gai, if not he will ask the girl come out and kiss her, my heart damn pain, i cry, but i tell him i'm sleepy so need sleep. Then he scold me then off phone.

Untill today he never find me, i wan sms or phone him but i control myself. Is normal i always control myself. But one thing i'm sure is when i saw him i sure cant control. Sure will hug him kiss him. Did he angry me now ? What he doing ? Kissing that girl ? Meet more net friend? Have gf ? He have tell me this year he wont have real gf. And i have make joke v him did he still love me ? He say no, my heart get hurt again, but i tell him that great. How much brave i have ?

Haiz...beside, i'm still ah boy gf. How to tell ah boy all of this thing ? Ah boy cold to me again, he no find me, no sms me, but when i sms him he have so long just reply. I dont know what happen again. But...i really dont wan be he gf. I feel so hard , and i cant study also. I keep thinking how i do just no hurt him. But now i really hurt him alot. I lie him, i never tell him alot thing, but i tell Elson. And Elson ask me tell ah boy now, but how ? He look like so sad few day. How can i tell him ? I dont wish to hurt him. But Elson say if i wait longer time just tell him more hurt him. And Elson say he help also, but at the end he dont wan help also. Cause me , Elson and ah boy relationship really confuse.

Now i just wan study, but i cant study also. I keep thinking about Elson in school. And also keep thinking my undang, i untill now also haven go test undang. But i know i'm fail also, i dont even know at all. I wan chatt v ah boy like last time again so happy. But cant, he keep busy always. How ?

And my grandma, she keep changing now, cause she getting more old, she thought she will going to die soon, always think negative, then i always blame her XD because of her always think negative make my mum and aunt and me and my sis all also have this sick XD haha, even this is true but i just make joke v her. But really she keep thinking she will die soon. I'm so scared, cause i have friend he tell me he father always treat them so cold one, one day suddenly cook for them and buy alot thing for them, at night , then lay down on sofa and GONE.

I was very remember this story. And this story was last two day my friend tell me only. I dont know more my grandma will telling me this all. I wonder is god give this was my fate ? I wan thanks god alot, cause HE give me alot story in my life and now i can teach my younger sister to think also. I wan telling her really some ppl will suddenly go, wish she treat grandma better now. Cause she keep lcly v my grandma, make she hurt and cry. I dont know what can i do now. I know i'm not a good person also, always easy to get bad mood, but this few day i was trying myself to control it. I dont wan grandma sad anymore, wish god will bless her even my grandma dont believe god.

This few day really alot thing to happen, and i wish this will going past later and fastly. Cause i having SPM this year, i dont wish any happen also. And wish my undang will past on this saturday. God Bless Me, Believe God Forever. Love God Forever.

--- ` Much See ` ---

What i can do now ? I have upload i help Elson edit the punk style photo. And my sis saw it, keep saying him bad bad bad, and ask me away from him, anything is over and nth happen anymore, why she still wan do that all ? She say that all make me remember last time thing, i dont wan hurt Elson, no matter how i still worry about him so much, i hope my sis will understand and dont keep hurt him anymore.

Well, finally i'm ah boy gf, but...for me i dont think so, we know we like each other, but i still feel something "qi guai" , y ? Ah Boy was nice and good, but start when i together v him i dont have any feelling like last time anymore, i like ah boy as a friend, haiz...but i dont wan hurt him Y_Y

Today i have a dream, i dream i was shopping v Elson, i saw him, and auto move my body to him and hug him. oh God !!! why i have this dream ? That hug feeling so true, i cant even forgot it, i wan hug him again and again and again, he body so warm, last time i hug him that feeling still in my heart now, how can i forgot. I so miss him, even i still have cry at night when i thinking about him. I'm feel so sorry v ah boy, but Elson wont forgive me also. I'm a loser, i cant even fight v Elson, everytime he say anything i also will lose...Elson Elson Elson, i know me and him cant back like last time so sweet taht time, cause we have alot problem, and alot ppl dont wish i together v him. Not even my family and friend, he friends all also. I feel so sad.

I was forcing myself to focus as my spm study now, cause i dont wan think too much. But....i still think about him so much. Today Elson will go out v net friend. He wan mee bonnie - girl. Today Elson go out v alot girl. I very worry about him, when i wake up i wan sms him, and phone him, but...i'm not dare, i pick up the phone and type what i wan to say, but i never send it, i keep that msg in my phone.

Last night in msn he suddenly say he dont wan talk v lynnette anymore, i shock, i use so much time just can accept he and lynnette only, now say dont wan talk v her anymore? And say she make him angry. I really very shock !!!

And that stupid net frienf sook ching, i very hate her, she really a 8 poh, i dont know why Elson still wan go out v her and contact v her also. You all know why i very hate her ? Cause last time i still love Shin, i just argue and broke v him, then that sook ching say she got meet Shin, and say shin take out his cloths and show her he fit fit body !! GOSSS !! That time i really believe her, i feel so sad and cry , cause i never think Shin was ppl like this.

After that Shin was invite me too go shopping one day, then i tell him this, he say this was nth happen, cause that time they have 3 ppl shopping, not 2. So i know is sook ching lie me, i know she love Shin, but also cant do this is it ???? Even this thing is last year past long time ago i still never forgive !!! What i do wrong v her make she say this all and hurt Shin !! And now i keep calling her 8 poh !!!!

Last night i finish edit pic for Elson, and i send to him, he put in msn , then sook ching ask him who edit it, he say is Bing edit, then that 8 poh say "Bing again?!!" then she offline !! Ya ah, is me !! so??!!! What wrong !!! I really wan send a msg to scold that ci bai lan jiao kiao !!! Face ugly never mind !! Your heart is good then i still will be friend v u, cause i'm not perfect also !! But her heart and mouth all also so busuk dan jahat !!! What for i still wan friend v her !!!

Today they still have meet !! I really very very angry it !!! That ji bai !!! I really very very du lan her !!!! 8 poh 8 poh 8 poh !!!

http://profiles.friendster.com/yuki01 This is that jibai lan jiao 8poh friendster website !!! Really so du lan her !!! Last time she keep chatting v me i thought she wan be friend so i reply her, who know she see Shin handsome then love him also, when she know we argue then she put more fire btw us !!! Si Bat Poh!!!! When i after school she still do this all i'm sure i NEVER FORGIVE HER !!!! I'm sure i will scold her or fight v her GAO GAO LIK !!!! JI BAI LAN JIAO SO HAI 8 POH SOOK CHING !!!!!!

* ::: 為什么會這樣 ::: *

愛你還是愛他，別問我，我什么都不知道。我以為我能就這樣放下他和你在一起。可是每當我面對他的時候，我總是有股沖動想這樣跑過去緊緊的抱住他。我真的好想將他完完全全的屬于我。可是他總是提醒我以前他怎樣對我。我好想和自己說原諒他和忘記他，可是就是辦不到。我愛他嗎?我不知道，我愛你嗎? 答案是我不愛，可是我很喜歡你，真的很喜歡你。我對你也只有好朋友的感覺而已，怎么辦? 我該放手嗎? 我不想傷害你，更不想讓自己后悔。 當初我放棄過你，可是我又找回你，可是那個時候我只是想找個人陪陪我而已。沒想到我只是把你當好朋友。昨夜我聽見你說你是真心愛我的，我心突然感覺到很痛苦和內疚。我不希望你愛我，因為我知道你我根本都不可能的。


面對他我總是會乖乖聽話，而且總是會為他做一切和擔心一切。也容易發脾氣，面對你我總是不用擔心你，不會為你吃醋，不會為你生氣。面對你我也感覺不到任何安全感，我總是得不到我要的刺激，勇敢，安全，溫柔和等等的感覺。對你總是有淡淡的感覺，就是朋友啊，不想失去你是應為我把你當朋友，怎么辦。我怕放手了又后悔離開你。可是我又不想傷害你。 而且現在我還愛他，我不會和他在一起是因為他還是沒有改變，總是那么喜歡傷害我。可是和他聊天我總是快樂無比。我好想和他在回一起，好想不讓別人碰他。可是他是自由的，我怎么能那么自私呢。可是事實真明我是。

天啊，怎么辦，我....我該怎么做是好。神啊，救救我啊，為什么相愛的人不能在一起? 啊不，他不愛我，是我一相情愿而已。我怎么差點就忘記呢。

* ::: OMG ::: *

Will, today i sleep untill afternoon just wake up, then go down for watching movie v my parents, last night i still agrue v ah boy, lucky now nth already ^^ Happy leh ^^ hehe ^^ Today ah boy and elson both go TS for shopping buying some cloth, i hear ah boy say elsong wearing punker, i have saw that pic, really so cool, he totally changes alot, become more handsome, cool, yeng. When i always saw he pic my heart feel so sweet, like i still can looking and chatting v him, i feel happy also. Like this not good meh ? Dont so serious and chatt v him as a friend, still can know all thing about him, sure i still have agrue v him , but...better then be4 now.

I keep editing elson new pic for him, surely he all put in friendster, i dont wish he put, cause he really so handsome, if like that then will let ppl take that pic or will get more girl love him, first time hear he say wan put i really stop him like so terrible, i ask myself, am i jealous ? yes, i am. But think about ah boy say again, i'm not who for him, so..i just let it go. He wan put , go a head, i dont wan bother about that.

Will, now i chatting v him, when i finish write blog i going to off my computer, tomorrow still have school , i'm really very tired. SPM coming, really so scared, and my undang...OMG, i still haven know yet Y_Y

GOD PLS BLESS ME !!!!

- ::: Ah Boy I'm Sorry ::: -

Finally i tell ah boy what i done wrong already, he say forgive me, but chatt long ...i ask him, he mind girl not virgin ? Last time he say dont mind also, and now he say that's are play girl, so already done then never mind. Then i say i also play girl what, then he say if i am play girl then pls leave far away from him, dont near him, he dont wan. Then i suddenly so angry , my fs profile really write play girl, and i thought he know last time i keep playing also, i thought he will understand me, and now ??? NO, he...mind it...why ? After he ask me leave far away from him then i write "Bye Bye" then offline go bath.

Finish bath i online, he never find me anymore, maybe he busy working, i dont know. How come he will like this ? Even dont know me the Alice also know i love him, how come he not trust me ? I like play, but i never play love, maybe last time i hurt him be4, but now i really wont hurt him, he dont trust me, i feel so sad. I become like last time when it together v Shin again, i write a msg for Ah Boy, but i never send out again, look like last time me and Shin right ? write damn alot msg but one also never send out, untill now i delete all.

But now think about it is it my fault again ? Am i wrong ? Should i never make this joke of him ? He look serious about that, i know he get hurt be4, so i scared send that msg to him, cause i write [he a pig, even i like to play also wont play love and wont hurt him,] because of this few words so i never send out, i hurt him be4, i play others guy love be4, so few only !!! and i swear 3 day then i broke v them !!! And i have tell them i dont love them , just they wan only !! When i really feel cant love them then i broke up, i know this is hurt them but ...i also dont wan what...That time i keep love Shin so deep, who also cant accept. And now ah boy... i also dont know how, today Elson phone me he say when he birthday that day , he ask us all come out meet and celebrated v him. I dont know how to face him and ah boy at the same time.

Cause i know when Elson was here, i will always hug him kiss him hold him and sayang him so much. But i hope that day he will push me away, i really so wish can touch Elson again, but...what for ? Elson and me and my friends make alot trouble, i dont wish to bother it anymore. Ah boy and me was very happy now, no scolding, no fighting, no hurting, i thought everything was be go on like this, who know...i fight v ah boy just now Y_Y i very very sad now Y_Y How come ? Am i wrong again ? but he should know i love him, and we say already, if past one year more i love others boy then he give me up, untill now i still love Shin so much (But i have tell ah boy be4, he agree, and he know someday i will back v him), i say be4 what, no one can take Shin part of my heart. But Elson...i dont know.

I dont know what Elson done today, he phone me and look like happy, he ask me when he birthday he think i already get P lessen right ? I say i dont know, cause my undang really so bad now Y_Y i dont even know BM. How to take the test ? I have study, i have go learn and play, but...still cant. Really very very sad now. HEI !! THE PROBLEM NOW NOT ELSON AND MY "P" LESSEN !!! THE PROBLEM NOW IS AH BOY AND ME !!!! I dont wish to scold v him, he so care me and teach me alot thing, i really wan continue this relationship v him. Ah boy i'm so sorry...i like to play but i promise i wont play u...i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

Haiz...who actually understand me ?

* ::: Hope So ::: *

Now is 12.30am, so is time for sleep, cause when 6.00am i need to wake up for school.
I still very scared for school, think about last year, really so hard past one year untill holiday only.
Just now i just finish chatt v ah boy only, i have one thing never tell him.
Just keep saying sorry for him i done wrong thing last time. Really dont know how to tell him.
I still very scared to think about that....so he say tired then offline.

And after he offline elson find me chatt, he send something to me,
"我不知道我须要多长的时间才能真正的把你忘记，我不知道我还是否有想你的勇气，但是我知道我这份爱这份心痛，将会陪伴我一段很长很长得日子，明天将会如何? 我只知道在我内心深处，我会偷偷的把你收藏起来，让自己在宁静的黑暗里，去回味那段想你的孤寂，我们的爱情，不仅仅是一根把我们系在一起的红线，更是一根橡皮筋，彼此的心分别被系在两头，感觉那种向着对方牵引力，可是，随着时间流逝，我们的橡皮筋开始老化，那样日积月累的老化，终有一天，那原本强大的牵引也慢慢消失，拉得太紧的橡皮筋也终于断了。"

This is what he send to me, actually when ah boy just now send he pic to me i also suddenly feel heart pain already, i dun know why, then i go bath, lucky after that nothing already, but when i chatt v him...always chatt v him my heart jump really so fast, i feel so hurt also...dont know why, i thought i already give him up, but my heart tell me, haven...but at least i still can happy and smile to talk v everyone, i ask him why suddenly he write this all to me ? what happen ? write for who? he answer say he write for everyone.

Funny right, i...so hurt, but i just quite, i say "oo", then he say me so guai, sayang me...is it he wan me is be listen what he say ? be guai guai girl dun always scold and say anything ? if really like this, he win...i really dun bother what he say anymore...cause he also never say is because of me right ? Like ah boy say, no need think too much...

Elson really change alot...i really dont know what can i say and do anymore...he just will keep hurting me , scold me, say bad word v me, Like ah boy say again, i already know what type he are...what for i still wan bother about that ? Just as friend listen think he have joke then can lo..right ? Ya, i agree what ah boy say...And i was trying my best to think he was joke....Really really hope, i can do that...

k la, night la, tomorrow still have school, have a nice day everyone. Bye...

* ::: Wish Myself Goodluck ::: *

Well, i just woke up, when i wake up the first thing is do is sms v ah boy,
when ah boy reply me then Elson phone me, he keep syaing bad words to me,
what the hell, what i done again ? I just wake up leh...
He say "nia ma , u still on sleeping ah? po gai ah." i say i wake up already, just my voice got problem only.
Somemore i tell him my eyes become big jor, then he say "good, who ask u always keep crying and scold lought, dai ni sei"

But he never thing this few day i cry also because he suddenly scold me ah, i also dun know what happen also.
Afterthat he got explain, but how i know when he good mood when he bad mood,
Which words he dun like hear which words he like oo...SUPER SWT LA!
Somemore he keep saying alot bad words, i say dont like this ok ? then he say ..
"so? he now always also like this k la...so what" but i think he like this can, just respect ppl ok ?
Somemore i'm girl also, respect ppl got wrong ? Then he say "nia ma still sleep ah"
I say i already wake up, now playing computer, then he say....
"nia ma u no need go brushe ur teeth wash ur face ah? How come girl will dirty like u ah? U not look like a girl, no wonder ur friends all saying u" , ma chao hai ah, my friends again !!!

I hate to hear about them anymore !!! everyone keep saying me this and that, what i done for them again oo, pogai !! somemore i talking v phone v elson, how i go to brush my teeth ? i just wake up let ppl scold, somemore no time go brush also like this also get scold ? ma ji bek !!! Then i really very angry so i diam diam dun wan talk, then he say "cin cai u la, dun wan bother u anymore, i wan go work la, bb" i just straight away off phone, Meh Lan oo, is me dun wan bother him bah ? is me dun wan choi him bah ? is he phone me k leh...if him scold me k leh? is him make me angry k leh....Where got ppl like this ah ? still think himself no wrong ? Zha Dao !!! Lucky i still have ah boy, lucky ah boy understand me and him, thanks ah boy ^^ hehe ^^

Ah boy this few day he help me alot, he teach me dun care and dun think dun bother what my classmate say again, just study then can jor, but last night really get shock, Last night Elson phone me and scold scold scold so bad, i non stop crying, i also dun know what wrong that time, after that he talking like ah boy, i shock, and stop crying, how come ? he say that thing all is ah boy tell me be4, haha, so funny, but also good la, now i know Elson have one closer abit the bro jor ^^ Ah Boy XD hehe ^^ Hope they can 4ever be Bro ^^ hehehe ^^

Anyway, i still dont wish Elson keep scolding me bad words, still dont wish my classmate all talking about me anymore, tomorrow school start, really dont know how...haiz...k la, good luck for myself, wish tomorrow get fun la....

~Bing Bing ~