【最后一封信，我不玩了】

我发觉一样东西，原来我什么事我家人都知道，我该佩服他们还是生气他们？为何我任何东西他们都懂，包括我这个部落。刚刚姐姐和我谈过，其实我早已不生气任何人了，最近看到妈妈不和他说话也不是我想要的，可能真的只是习惯吧。我习惯一个人，所以....不知道。我根本不知道自己做错了什么，因为我对任何神奇和特别的事都觉得是很普通的事。我很奇怪，为何别人会觉得‘怎么那个人那么难看’，‘那个人有纹身一定是坏人’，‘那个人身上有疤痕一定是打架弄成的’，‘怎么那个人穿的衣服很难看，他不觉得丢脸吗’，‘把头发剪到很想Tom Boy的女生看起来不好’....还有等等的说法。

为什么人就是要用很古老的眼神去看别人呢? 难看只能说是天生的，这不能怪谁，你介意就别和他说话啊。就那么简单。纹身对我来说只是个艺术，你纹的好看是你的事，别人纹到想坏人他也不想吧。他没纹之前怎么知道自己纹了过后会那么难看呢？疤痕，我很多朋友身上都有疤痕，就算是以前打架弄到的，但之后也改过自新了。你肯给机会人家改这才是最重要的。这道理是我在学校学会的，因为我班有俩中不同性格的人，其中一个女生因为家里不是很有钱，身上上上下下都是用假货，不知真的名牌。他们都很讨厌她，说他身上都是假的，当然说他们的女生身上全都是名牌，一个普通的手表都要RM1000以上。所以他们有资格批评别人我也无话可说。但对那女生来说，他不介意，假又怎样，真又怎样，能用得不就可以了吗？何必浪费那么多钱才买到一个手表？这句话我很赞成。

明白这些道理我老早就学会了，一句说完，各有个人的眼光，各有个人的看法，你爽就看，不爽就可以不看。就是那么的简单。所以我很少会和别人吵架，但我想我这样想法的人会得到很多人的讨厌，所以在校也一直得到攻击。不过，就当他们小吧。那女的说【我承认自己之前有做错，可是我也想改啊，你不给机会我改是你的事，对我自己来说我有改就可以了。】这女生虽然也不是很喜欢我的人，不过说真的，我还蛮欣赏他的为人。他能把一切都说的很简单。

有人说我是尼姑，因为我把一切都看化了，就因为这样，我才说自己是冷漠，我更本不会生气，嫉妒，什么的。就比如刚刚姐姐和我说，难道你想和家里的人维持这样的关系吗？我说这不是很好吗？他又说我为何不会和妈妈主动说话呢？我说都没什么可以聊的，说来都没用啊。他们有他们的东西做，我有我自己的东西做，这不好吗？反正我这样的生活早已习惯了，你突然和我说要改，要变得全部都可以聊在一起，那....像很少说话的我，要怎样主动？我根本不会，也不想去学会，人最糟糕的就是自作聪明。所以我觉得自己简单就好，不会主动做任何事，不会主动去接近别人，因为这样是会保护自己多一些。如果你和我说着世界全都是好人，那我肯定我会主动去认识不同的人，但这世界不是，所以我没有。但有人主动来认识我，我不管他是好还是坏，我也只能和自己说，这是我和她的命运，有缘认识也不错，管他是好还是坏，根本不重要。就算被出卖，背叛，欺骗，也能和自己说【这是人生中的一个小小的挫折，就当教训吧】

气消了过后，我又做回以前的自己了，我做我自己的事，你做你自己的事，你不管我，我也不管你。就那么简单。阳是我的朋友，就算别人怎样说他坏也好，至少他没有对我坏，还有至少我可以从他身上认识了很多东西，认识了根多朋友，无分男女，至少和他出去我能做会我自己，我能用我最爱的语气说话，用我最爱的个性去玩，玩到疯了我也开心。可是这些我想现在我也不可能会实现了，现在他和我在街上遇见也假装不认识，这真的对他和对我都很是很可悲的事，不过算了，至少他不会因为我再被人误会是坏人了吧，他也能很安心的生活了，这总算是我还他的一个人情，就当我和他道歉，对不起让那么多人无赖他。阳，对不起，就算明知道你不知道我有这个部落不过我还是想和你说对不起，真的非常抱歉，能认识你真好。至少我明白这世界真的有外表看起来是坏人不过内心是好的人。你外表看起来很大男人，可是只有我知道，你内心是小男人，哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈，抱歉哦，爆了你的秘密出来，希望你活得快乐。^^保重咯各位，拜拜。

【写给阳的最后一封信吧】

这些是我今天写给阳的信，

【阳，对不起突然写这些信给你，昨晚不知道我又做错了什么，妈妈骂了我一餐。昨晚妈妈崩溃了，他很大力的打桌子，过后走向我，把双手放在我的颈上，不用说你也知道什么事吧。幸好爸爸及时拉开她、我才没事。那一晚，是我第一次看见妈妈这样。他说他担心我到疯了。说到尾，他就是不相信我。对吧？我把电话还给她了。还有我想说的是，对不起，别再找我了。我是为你好。我知道你因为我家人的讨厌也很伤心难过，我不希望看见你这样。我不明白我家人为何讨厌你，昨晚妈妈说了，因为他以为你有吸白粉，和那些坏人一样。我告诉他你没有，他不信，甚至还说他对你不爽就不爽，我是他女儿没得反抗，不管怎样，他说了，只要他不喜欢的东西我们每一个人都不能喜欢。阳，我只是为你好，可是你放心好了，总有一天，我们一定会见面的，只是不知道及时而已。不管你当我是什么，有感觉或没感觉也好，我只能说，我还是很在乎你，不可以不理你。只是这次，我们......恐怕连朋友的关系也没有了，我知道你恨我之前弄到我家人讨厌你，可是昨晚我帮你解释了。原来不是我把他们弄到讨厌你，而是他们自己想象到你很坏所以判你死刑了。阳对不起，真的很对不起，请原谅我的家人，你可以生气我，可以继续恨我，但别讨厌他们，因为每一个人都有自己的想法。但记住，我会有一天变得很美和无端端站在你面前抱你的哦，到时别说不认识我，也别把我推开XD】


我不明白，妈妈看外表就判人死刑，她的歧视，我很不喜欢，昨晚我也和妈妈说了，我以前很爱她，现在没有了。我以前很崇拜她，现在没有了，还有我一直以来都不觉得自己错。我有错吗？没有，她有错吗？也没有。只是他有他的道理，我有我的道理，认识不同类型的人是我的本性。但妈妈就是不喜欢。出去看看不同的东西也是我的本性，但妈妈不喜欢。我去到哪，他怀疑到哪，我很累，我不喜欢这样被怀疑。我又没做错了什么。妈妈昨晚也说，从我认识阳到现在我们每次都吵架因为他，可是我心想，我做错了什么和他吵架？阳做了什么和他吵架？更本就没有，就只是妈妈的偏见，他不爽我和阳有来往所以不管怎样就是不爽我和他。这样对我公平吗？我突然觉得妈妈很幼稚，很想小学生，自己不爽就不要别人和他有来往，这不就是小学生的行为吗？妈妈是大人，应该要站在我们的立场看啊，为什么别人的妈妈会想而他就不会，难道妈妈都没有觉得自己很过分和错吗？保护女儿是对我明白，他担心我也是对我也明白，可是换个角度来看，我以前没做什么也是让人觉得我是坏人啦，那难道我真的坏吗？认识不同性格的朋友有错吗？人是没有坏与好的，而只有不同性格的人而已。妈妈要我做好女生我明白，可是不管我怎样做他都是以判我死刑，和不信任我了。我到底该怎样做，我很累了。

【看化了】

刚刚我有打电话给阳，好想问他祥有没有找他，好想问他和女友怎样了，好想问他今年我表演他能不能来，好想问他我没用手提电话了他紧不紧张我。可是没想到，我竟然口齿了，我一直‘额.......嗯..........额.........’竟然会对他这样，我都是第一次而已。竟然有一种感觉，我不想让他知道我的事，不想让他知道我的一切，不想和任何人说话了。

从何开始，我对他变得那么的冷淡了？我刚刚才跳完舞，刚练习跳我对他的感情而已，为什么.....会这样呢？和他说我换了电话号码，他只回答我“然后呢？”很冷，但不伤心，就回答他“以后什么事就在msn留言吧，我看了会回复你的”其实我有新的号码，可是...不知道做么，我更本没想过要给他。本来还以为想问他，“如果你想继续和我联络我就给你”可是我更本不想说这句话，反而觉得他这样对我是对的。他有女友，我又要离开了。他又不爱我，我又变冷漠了。何必继续让他乱想呢？何苦要让大家痛苦和烦恼呢？他怕我会烦他，我怕他会讨厌我。竟然这样，不联络是好的。不是吗？

或许这次的决定，不会让自己后悔。正如他说的，离开了，就别后悔。离开了，就别回头。被淘汰的我，他更本不会再理我和爱我。而我，经过那么多的伤害，痛苦，悲伤，哭泣，绝望，死心，什么都够了吧。时间真的能解决一切，一个不爱我的人，把他留在我身边也没有用。阳说的对【彼此的心里都留下了很多刺，彼此的心里都有了恐惧，就算在会一起，也只会让对方更痛苦。】他为了不让自己再伤害，一直拒绝我，一直对我恨心。本来我不知道为什么，女生都敢再试，为何他不要呢？而现在的我明白了，谢谢当初他拒绝了我，没有接受我，放弃了我，伤害了我。现在的我，真的完全回到过去，回到还没认识他的时候了。那个自闭的我，喜欢安静的我，总是一个人的我，回来了。我终于明白爱情的游戏，终于明白了人生游戏，终于能一个人再面对任何事了。

谢谢阳曾对我的伤害，不再留恋什么东西了，不用再在乎任何东西了，终于能一个人安心的离开了。谢谢神，谢谢魔，谢谢阳，谢谢我的人生，让我学会了更多更多的东西了。

痛苦，绝望，欢乐，打架，高兴，哀伤，潮流，嘲笑，美梦，恶梦，保护，欺骗，挨打，拒绝，愚弄，挽留，偶尔，愤怒，害怕，疼痛，答应，想念，背板，永远，讽刺，温暖，疯狂，年轻，老化，可爱，温柔，性伴，自恋，自杀，悲伤，成熟，色情，猪头，若言，笨蛋，吵架，冤枉，斯文，猪脑，美丽，绝情，痴情，单身，情人，恋人，爱人，仇人，亲情，友情，爱情，最爱，深爱，相爱，亲爱，伤心，伤痕，孤单，快乐，失去，拥有，爱过，停留，错过，留下，离去，感情，记忆，分化，彻底，回家，眼泪，自己，默哀，加入，解散，反对，现在，过去，未来，牵挂，不会，办法，化妆，睡觉，卸妆，相随，重要，无聊，尊敬，长辈，年少，只有，好听，确定，不能，也许，游戏，用力，读书，考试，同学，争斗，争夺，讨厌，喜欢，人性，人心，忍心，仁心，白痴，精神，谨慎，景森，今生，来世，以为，本来，通常，多数，如果，富有，梦中，优雅，嚣张，花心，专心，专情，明白，办到，贫穷，伙伴，补习，生病，晕倒，时间，停此，诚实，做作，虚假，真真，怀疑，双面，杀死，活命，寂寞，恩怨，缘分，命运，贴身，分开，幻想，拥抱，接吻，牵手，学习，暧昧，爱美，开始，结束，消失，存在，等待，回来，祈祷，恐怖，恐惧，轻松，简单，复杂，丑恶，聪明，迟钝，破碎，粗鲁，激情，努力，伤害，心乱，大胆，静静，热闹，热烈，小胆，失败，成功，冷静，心暖，知识，会想，文化，愿望，暗恋，侮辱，赞美，愚蠢，挨骂，生气，短暂，破坏，痛恨，哭泣，幼稚，心痛，永恒，心碎，自闭，甜蜜，玩弄，幸福，信任，冷漠，无赖，在乎，放弃，珍惜，恐惧，疼爱，被爱，爱，恨，热，冷，凉，风，雨，阳，运，花，水，钱，酷，哭，苦，情不自禁，甜言蜜语，脑大生草，死心不改，自私自利，自以为是，一时兴奋，胡思乱想，生不如死和很多很多的感觉全都试过了。看化了一切，什么都不在乎了。

【•最后•】

没有人我可以相信了。从何开始，我不再想念和不再在乎阳？反而想念那最近伤害我的祥。现在的我，写了千千万万个彦祥。怎么办？好想他，可是也很恨他。电话号码我换了。friendster和msn我迟早也会删除的。反正我之前所在乎和爱的人，现在都这样冷漠的对我。我又何苦丢女人的面去苦苦哀求呢？反正对他们来说，我只不过是犯贱的人。没人叫我这样对他们的，是我自己笨而已。我承认我是笨，笨在爱错人，笨在相信错人，笨在相信他会为我而改，笨在自己已伤了不能再伤却还要苦苦哀求，笨在认识错人，笨在自己的任性，笨在为无为的人哭了无数的眼泪，笨在为这样的人搞到自己没有了笑容，笨在为这样的人搞到自己的心真的完全变冷漠了，笨在自己为他自杀，笨在以为自己能放下他但他一句话我却会回来。可是我保证，这些事，不可能再发生了，我不会再笨了。爱过得俩个男人【阳】和【祥】，已经伤我够深了，我发誓，我不会再爱第三个男人了。因为我不想再为爱而笨，爱是愚蠢的，爱是残酷的。我不要爱了。我会慢慢的消失。

对了，我最近在跳舞，是Ballet的舞，我把我对他的感情都放进舞蹈里，我把我和他的故事放进舞蹈里。这个舞是【最后一个舞】。内容是说我和相爱的男人，因为他变心要离开我，所以我要求他陪伴我多一刻，陪我跳完这只舞。可是跳到一半，他离开了。他去了他的另一半那里，我一个人被冷落的舞台中，眼泪不停的掉落。可是心中的音乐从没停此过，这首歌是我和他的歌，所以无论他在不在我也必须跳完。就这样一个人闭上眼睛一直跳一直转，不停的跳，不停的掉泪。到最后音乐完了，但我还是不要开眼，因为我想保留这一刻到永远。我希望这个舞，今年我能在学校里表演。最后一年，也是我和他的最后一个故事的舞。希望表演成功。

【就这样】

刚刚我开阳的profile来看，他写【你所拥有的分数已所剩无几...被淘汰的结局我也不想要...但真的感觉不到想为你加分的冲动...我该怎么去阻止分手的残酷?】这是写给他女友还是我呢？我知道他和女友有事发生了，可是他说了他不在乎也不爱她，但看来他也动了一点情吧。希望他会好过点。如果是写给我，那我该停此找他了，因为我刚觉到我的存在，几乎都已成了他的困扰。【被淘汰的结局我也不想要】这句话他和我说了很多次，因为他要一直提醒我，我不可能在做他女友，但，我也没想过啊，我只是单纯的做朋友聊天而已。因为我相信，总有一天，我会遇到一个比他更爱和更疼我的人。所以，我也没对他有任何想象。或许我做一切让他误会吧，必经我习惯了对每个男生都是那么的【亲密】

但现在想想，他有可能不是写给我的，因为今天下午我上线，他刚好也在。他在玩online game。他突然问要不要做他游戏里面的老婆。我想也没想就答应了。看来他对我这几天真的很好，但我有的感觉不是快乐，而是安心。好像现在这样的他让我能放心的离开了。好笑吧。我是不是很坏？人家有女友，我也参一脚？可是他说过如果他真的爱她，我怎样做也没可能破坏到。所以...算了。反正也不管我的事了，他高兴就好。

现在问题是Ah Boy。他竟然找到我这个blog。一直以来我都不想给他看到我所写的，因为我怕会伤害到他。但命运就是让他找到。算了，反正我也不觉得我有必要隐瞒他什么。因为大多数我都有和他在电话里说过。是希望一切他都过得很好。必经他也说了不爱我，而我，也只能死心了。很奇怪吧，上几个星期我开始对他动心，而开始动心的那几天，他也开始变了。所以...我决定了，不要爱任何一个人了。就这样吧...

阳对我是重要，他的要求大多数我会答应，但...我爱他吗? 不知道，就算他给机会我和他在一起，我也不能保证，我们会像以前那么甜蜜了。必经我的心也给他冷漠了。

【我能做的就只是这样】

其实这几天我一直在想，我对阳那么好，到底是对还是错？他这几天对我好，到底是对还是错？人就是那么的矛盾，对你好，你又怕会是一个梦，怕会再次伤害。对你不好，你又担心他不再疼你，不关心你。到底该怎么做才好？只是短短两天而已，只是和他聊电话两天而已，我就那么的放不下他，又变回以前一样的爱恋他。这是好还是坏？我用了一年多的时间不再爱他。但这两通电话，让我仿佛好像又回到以前一样，那个爱他一生一世的感觉回来了。怎么办？

我该高兴吗？他真的变了，以前和我说他和别的男人不同，但现在他只是说:“人是会变得”人是不肯能隐藏自己太久的，认识他三年了，真真的他我应该看到了吧。男人每一个都是一样，花心，色，自恋。但现在在我面前的他真的是真真的他吗？还是以前在我面前的他才是真真的他呢？每个人的心里都是有两个自我。一个是好，一个是坏。而以前的我，就是有双面的我。没人知道我在想什么和担心和在乎什么。家人总是会误会我，不明白我，总是以为我是坏的人。我真的非常生气，和他们住了那么就难道没人了解我吗？难道我做的一切没人知道是为他们好吗？可是现在我所爱的他---阳，好像变了以前的我。我不明白他在想什么，一时好一时坏，和我以前一样。所以，到最后我还是要相信他。必经经历了那么多事，什么都看化了吧。

如果结局是被他骗了，或伤害了，只能怪自己笨，傻，蠢，不会看人，相信错人，一切只能怪自己。不能怪别人。现在的我，终于明白以前那些人到底是用什么眼光和心态看我了。但我不会用回一样的对阳，因为我知道不好受。而且以前人的眼光，不代表我也要顺着，我有我的方法。不管对别人来说是好还是坏，只要对我来说是好久可以了。

对了，在此我要为我姐姐，妈妈爸爸，妹妹，朋友们，祥，阳祈祷。希望我的快乐统统都给了你们，而你们的悲伤痛苦全部给我。祝福你们，过得每分每秒都幸福快乐。我知道自己不是什么伟大的人，但我只是做了自己能做的范围而已，看不惯就滚开，别在我背后吵鬼叫。

【•阳阳profile的故事•】

这只高傲的猫走过美丽的花丛,他没有爱上任何一朵鲜 花,他爱上了一只紫色的蝴蝶.鲜花们向猫展示着美丽, 却对着蝴蝶说:"我爱你"蝴蝶用她紫色的微笑说:"我爱 的是强者,你知道山林中的虎吗?他是真正的强者"猫走了,他去了山里,他要证明自己是强者.猫找到了虎, 他义无反顾的和虎缠斗.虎一爪结束了战斗.猫在死前 尽余力咬去虎的鼻子.虎输了,猫也死了.猫见到上帝.上帝告诉猫:"你有9条命,现在只剩下8条了" 猫回去见蝴蝶.蝴蝶问猫:"你真的爱我?"猫点头.蝴蝶说: "我从没见过喜马拉雅山的冰花,你给我吗?"猫走了,他去了喜马拉雅山.但他的皮毛太薄,还没有采 冰花就冻死在途中.上帝告诉猫:"你只剩下7条命了"猫知道自己皮毛太薄不 能采到冰花,于是他求上帝帮他.上帝说:"你要用1条命 1朵冰花"猫爽快的答应了.他得到了冰花,失去了1条命. 猫带回了冰花,蝴蝶很高兴.蝴蝶说:"我喜歡海底的紫色 珊瑚你能给我吗?"猫去了海里,但他不会游泳,很快便溺死了.猫又见到了 帝,他求上帝给他珊瑚.他愿意用1条命换.他得到了紫 珊瑚.猫只剩下4条命了.他带着紫色珊瑚回来见蝴蝶.蝴蝶很 心,但她说:"你真是1只优秀的猫,如果你能让天空划过 1颗彗星,我就会爱上你"猫很无奈,他怎么也想不出如何让天空划过1颗彗星.这 他想到上帝,但他知道只有死了才能见到上帝。于是 毫不犹豫的1爪刺破自己的心脏.猫见到了上帝,说:"万能的上帝,能给我1颗彗星吗？我 意给您我的一切"帝说:"剩下3条命了,果你全部给我,就 让天空划一颗彗星"猫说:"我愿意,我希望您能让我回1 人间"上帝答应了...猫回去了,带着蝴蝶来到1个大平原.里,颗明亮的彗星出 现在天空,丽无比.蝶看到了美丽的彗星,觉得猫很伟大, 爱上了猫.猫现在连1条命也没有,知道他的生命会随着彗星消失. 爱蝴蝶,而且现在蝴蝶也爱他。而猫已失去了和蝴蝶 爱的能力了.猫对蝴蝶说:"其实我不爱你"蝴蝶哭了,她恨猫戏弄她的 感情.猫走了.他要趁彗星还没消失赶快离开.彗星终于消失在天边，猫也消失在视线之中.猫见到上帝了,上帝说:"你已经连1条命都没了,为了爱 ,值得吗?"猫犹豫了好1会儿.他觉得既使再做1次选择, 仍然会这么做,只是他很甘心,但已无能为力.上帝告诉猫他可以去天堂,当1只安琪儿.但猫却选择了 狱,他说:"我去炼狱1千年，能再给我1条命吗?"上帝说: "没有这个先例,所以不行"猫恳求道:"只给我半条命"上 答应了...猫在炼狱中战斗着,黑暗,孤寂,恐惧与无休止的争斗每 都像1把把尖刀刺向猫的心脏.猫成了炼狱中的阿修罗 .连上帝都觉得猫已经成为了冷酷战神.1千年的战斗,1千年的苦,1千年的冷血,1千年的柔情,1千 的等待,1千年的筹炼.1千年了,猫从炼狱出来,阿修罗又变成了安琪儿.猫拖着半条命回到人间.他找到了蝴蝶,猫说:"我很爱你 "蝴蝶却不相信猫,她还恨猫.蝴蝶说:"除非你死在我面 ,不然我不会相信的"猫笑了,笑得很悲伤.因为他只剩半条命.猫掏出了自己 心脏,他让自己的泪滴在心脏上.蝴蝶知道猫没骗她.蝴蝶说:"猫有9条命,你还会再回来 ,尽管那时你只有8条命,但我们却能好好的相爱"猫说:"我回不来了,我连半条命也失去了"阿修罗失去了斗志,安琪儿没有了爱之箭.阿修罗终于 炼狱的洪水吞没,安琪儿也迷失在云雾之中.猫在天堂对着蝴蝶说:"上帝给了我9条命,但我的爱却需 要10条命,我没有另外半条.如果炼狱中的1万年,能给我 外半条命,我会去做阿修罗”.蝴蝶流着紫色的眼泪说:"虽然那时我们的爱剩下半条 ,却是1万年"爱1个人不要要求他太多来证明他有多爱你,因为那样 会渐渐失去1些珍贵的东西,珍惜你的爱吧....

【难忘的一天，谢谢阳阳】

今天我又迟到去学校了，不过没有被罚。今天也有运动练习，可是我没有去，每一年都不用去的，因为我有气喘，所以也可以不用去跑步，不过我每年都有参加抛千球比赛。因为我很大力气，比一般女生大力一倍，所以我都是拿三名之内的。今年也不例外。运动完了，我班就也上Perdagangan的课，因为我drop了的关系所有也去图书馆里做别的功课。Lynnette , Sze Yee 和Shui Yee进来了，但很快她们又鬼鬼祟祟的看电话里的照片，我有预感她们又在所我，但又怕自己敏感，所以我也没有说什么。但看她们眼神就知道是说我。只是没有证据我又能怎样?正如我之前说的，忍！除了这样我没有别的可以做了。打架？骂架？今年最后一年，我不能这样，好不容易和班上的男同学感情好了一点，我不要又反面。去年被他们那样对待我也很怕了。不过读完书，我可不会那么好的让他们欺负了。但如果可以我会尽量的忍耐。必经如老师所说的，我长大了，不能一直这样打架了。

班上同学们也换位了，本来我是和Shui Yee坐的，因为其他女生都坐在一起，只有一个让她们排策所有自己一个人坐。但因为Lynnette想换位所以她们也换了。我不讨厌那个排策的女生，因为我知道她本心不是那么的坏了。认识她们那么久了，也知道那班是38的人。所以Lynnette 和Shui yee 坐，我和Carmen（被排策的人）坐。在休息室时，我们大家都做自己的东西，Lynnette很快的做完。她去坐沙发，突然她说了一句，" 哇，冰冰，你的照片好性感哦。我们放上去friendster让大家看看。"我很好奇，什么照片？Friendster都delete了，只有那个给真实的朋友的网站还在而已。但有什么性格的照片呢？我好奇的叫她给我看，看了才知道，那是刚刚在教师她们偷拍我的照片来的。虽然不是什么丑态，但我还是心理不爽。我想拿来看清楚，但她们可能误会我要delete吧，所以Lynnette叫Sze Yee来和我鬥撞，因为只有Sze Yee的力量能和我相比。其他的女生我很轻易的就能打倒了。

放开了手过后，我很不爽的坐回原位做功课。而Sze Yee就叫Lynnette Send那些照片给她。我知道她们偷拍了很多，可是之前是我还不确定的。但现在我真的能确定了。为什么？我又做错了什么？是因为我买了Camera的关系吗？是不是Shui Yee又乱说话了呢？她是不是说我也偷拍她们呢？因为昨天我带了Camera给Shui Yee看我星期六拍他们Coscuntry的照片而已，因为闷所以也拍老师教课的情形，我只是想留为纪念，真的并不是故意拍她们的，何况那时她们也在睡觉，而且我也坐她们背后，又拍不到他们的样子啦。为什么要这样对我。到底Shui Yee又和她们说了些什么呢？Shui Yee 就是我那时说的六年的好朋友，可是她人是怎样我早就知道---【俩头蛇】只要一知道哪里对她有利就过去。而她会加入那般女生是因为她很本领说别人的坏话。加盐加醋可是她的专场，无人能比。认识那么久的朋友每一个都知道，他们也说为什么我还要原谅他。第一，我同情他，看见他以前让别人拍测的关系也觉得和自己小学时一样。以为她会因此而改。没想到去年我和她因为留级而认识到这般人会反而让她变本加厉。我真的无言。人会用很多的方法去交朋友我不在乎，也不介意。可是为什么平时说对我多好多好的人反而咬得我更伤。可能因为认识了那么久吧，所以什么秘密都会和他说。

人就是那么的奇怪，她们也知道Shui Yee是这样的人，可是还是会和他参在一起。所以我也无言。因为我说过了，只要我在乎和疼爱的人高兴，要我怎样，我也不在乎。偶尔想想，她们对我这样好过对别人。必经我不会怎样的反抗吧。放学之前，帮我补习的老师是我学校的老师。他总是说我和Shui Yee所说的话很乱，他说Shui Yee和他说我说什么什么话坏。可是明明就是她说的。我像老师解释，可是没证据老师是不会相信的。所以今天放学时，老师走到我和Shui Yee的中间，他对我说:“Shui Yee kata awak cakap saya gila bentulka?”我慌了一下回答：“mana ada?”老师又问Shui Yee,她也说没有。过后老师和她说：“awak bukan cakap dia cakap dengan awak saya bagi banyak kerja untuk dia dan dia cakap saya gila ka?” Shui Yee回答：“oh~~~hehehe, bukan la, saya cakap punnya”这时我很伤心，他怎么能这样说我？幸好老师有问我，否则....我又被冤枉了。但同时我也松了一口气。

回家路途，我和姐姐说她们在学校偷拍我的时。但她就一口咬定是我的错。她一直说我的Attitude很坏所以她们才这样对我。我一直解释说，如果是这样为什么老师们对我那么好。每次下课我都静静的，在班上也没有和他们什么聊天这样都是我的错？我承认我在家里真的很坏的attitude。对家人的态度真的很不好。可是在外面我不是这样的。因为家里都是自己人，所以一不开心就摆臭面。我知道我家人也不是很了解我我也能理解。但就算这样，我还是没打算要她们明白我，了解我。如果你问我家人我的好性格一定很少，但坏性格一定很多。但...随别啦。我恨她们，我恨这个家，但我不会报复，必经都是家人。因为爱，所以恨。但如果毕业了学校的人还是这样对我我就会反抗了。

冲凉时，我抽了三支烟，因为身体不好，所以抽了倆支就会开始有晕晕的感觉。但我抽了三支，所以我也在bathroom里晕了一下。我心里好想好想找阳阳聊天，昨天本来想的，但怕会打扰到他和女朋友所以我也没找他了。怎样不开心也要忍。但今天真的不能忍了，好不容易冲完凉晕着去打给他，想问他最近是不是生病了，嘴巴是不是生aouser了，因为我最近都病了，嘴巴也生了。但...很伤心的是我打不到给他。试了很多次都不能，我想他在骑摩托或和女友聊天吧。所以我也打给Ah Boy,之前无端端的发我脾气，所一也很久没找他了。因为我也很生气。一直以来我都把我的事和他说的，但今天我只是一直说：“我要原因”我想知道为什么那么突然的这样，但他还是说没事。他也说了如果我这样问下去他会不理我，但我还是要原因。他卦电话了。

之后我在试试打个阳阳，打通了，可是没人接。不知道打了多少通，我就回房间睡觉。因为我真的很晕了。很快的他打回来找我。我很开心，这时候有人陪我聊天，但我真的很怕他会骂我。

“喂？”
“喂。”
“什么事？”
“你刚和女友聊完电话啊？”
“做么这样问？”
“因为我打了很久也不通啊。”
“那什么事？”
“我问你，最近你是不是生病和生aouser?”
“没有啊，做么？”
“没什么。对了，你和女友怎样了？”
“吼，说了就Du Lan。”
“做么？”
“之前我和她出街，可是我们一个走前一个走后，朋友都说我们不像情人，一点也不配。我第一次那么的没有面。”
“啊？怎么会这样？难怪你msn写那样呢，怎么？伤心啊？”
“她的事啦。”他就是那么喜欢回答和我问的问题不一样。可是，我喜欢。
“你伤心吗？”
“没有。”
“对了，给你绕口音。”
“好啊。”反正闷闷的，心情也不好，玩玩无所谓啦。但因为是普通话，所以我很难写下来，要不然我都会和你们分享的。真的很好玩，我心情好多了，也笑了很多。到最后总算学会了，我不但问了他有没有生病，也问了Ah Boy什么事，但还是没答案。然后又说了他friendster profile 的故事。他有写故事。很感动的。之后我也和他说了学校的事，心情好多了。也知道他和女朋友没有发生关系，这...心真的很开心。虽然知道自己很坏，可是那女的好像没把他当男友看待。但他也说到最后那女的要牵他，可是他双手放进口袋不给她牵，这真的把我斗笑了。我还一直说他孩子气，永远那么爱赌气。哈哈哈哈哈。

聊完过后他说要看戏，但我不给，又聊了一下。他说他女朋友很多Lessbian & Gay的朋友，我叫他介绍Gay的过来我帮他们变成真真的男人，他又说他拿Lessbian把她们变成真真的女人。我又说了不要，不可以。他说：“你也知道只有那方法帮他们哦，你还好意思说。”我说：“啊~~没有啦，不帮不帮，我不要了，所以你也不可以哦”我有一点点的撒娇的说。我很快学会绕口音，我说要奖励，他说给我一只臭脚，yer~~~~~~~(>.<)"我才不要，我要的东西是“香”字开头的，他想了想，很快的就有答案了。他总是那么的聪明，他说打死也不要。我问他想到什么，他说：“muacks muacks 吗，你以为我不知道哦。”哈哈哈，对了，就是香吻。

我知道不可能，但还是开玩笑的说。对他，我或许真的放下了，但老师提起他，朋友提起他，家人提起他，我也没什么伤心和尴尬的感觉了。而且还可以面对他了。这不是很好吗，可是一样还是改不了的是，我依然还很希望他只属于我的。可是我知道自己不能那么自私，所以也尽量不说那些暧昧的话。但我和他说：“下次我买锁链给你，钥匙在我这里。哈哈哈”他说：“你倒不如买古代那些经抽锁更好。哈哈哈”我慌了一下，什么东东？过后就知道了，以前有女生会锁着自己的下半身的，因为避免陪别人强奸，而密码只有自己知道。我说：“好啊，那你被我锁定了，哈哈哈哈。”过后他觉得怪怪的所以又说：“你别白痴了”每次我说到很暧昧的东西他都会说我白痴，可是我习惯了，因为在他面前，我就像什么都不会的小东西。唉...不过我甘心，哈哈哈哈。

不久他说真的要看戏了，我才依依不舍得盖电话，我也send了msg给他说谢谢。
【Remember when u free find me o,Thanks for no scolding me, i feel better now, hehehe, sayang sayang, muacks. Opss, forgot u dont wan my kiss k o. hehe, then 45 degree move down my body say thanks you.Happy always ah, Thanks ah, I go eat dinner la, you also eat fat fat ah.Bye Bye】本来后面我想加Hubby下去的，但我没有，因为我不想再让他知道我对他还有一点点的爱恋。现在我更本不知道自己爱不爱他了。但一样我知道的是我很疼爱和在乎他。只是他以不需要我了。

Hubby的意思是老公或老婆，是以前我们在一次甜蜜聊天的时候他叫我的，我会一辈子记住，只有他可以这样叫我而已。其他的我不要。独一无二的Hubby，是属于我和他而已。我不知道他有没有叫别人，可是我肯定我没有。这样就够了，不想绑他绑的太紧，因为我说过，只要他快乐，我不在乎一切。因为爱，所有恨。所以我也不敢和别人说我爱任何人了。爱是一种酷刑，永远忘不了。可是还是谢谢阳阳，今天让我心情好多了，分开了那么就，唯一的一天我难以忘记的一天。或许关了电话他和别人聊的比我快乐，可是....还是那一句，只要他快乐，我不在乎任何东西，包括伤害自己，你说我笨也好，无聊也好，我就是这么的在乎他。

Beloved Hubby For Shin.
Always Worry You.
Miss You All The Time.

【* --- 人是会长大的 --- *】

刚从外面回来。今天和Zhi Yang(Papa)去Jasco买相机。因为听朋友说那里有很便宜的。我最近也开始买香水和香精。所有我的红包钱也用完了。RM700一天之内没有了。心痛死我了。唉...算了，总算有买到相机，明天去学校也能像老师交代。在校我是Photo Grapiher Club和Editor的会员，所有除了要会edit照片也一定要有Camera。我本身是没有的，电话又坏了，所有今天非买不可，因为明天有Coscantry，我负责拍照。

回来之前我还麻烦Zhi Yang带我去哪里附近看看跳舞的Studio。没想到哪里有我最爱跳和看的舞，可是最想学的Popping竟然FULL了!开什么玩笑嘛。讨厌。算了。反正妈妈也不会给我现在学的，嘻嘻，随便问问爽爽而已。我很久没上线，如果今天不是因为要Approve朋友在friendster的话我也不会开电脑。我知道我开了电脑一定会开阳的profile看，听说他和他女朋友度过美好的情人节，我...该提他高兴......吧....所什么有送巧克力和一起度过......听了也觉得甜蜜，希望他能一直一直这样下去吧。只从那是他说不把我当是朋友时，我也很少找他了。除了情人节那天我在十二点打给他说情人节快乐时，之后上msn他找我的，我也没什么理他。

同时我也和很久没聊的Ervin老公聊天，他找我，理回我，没像之前这样Lan Ci我，真是太好了。他也要出国了，我也找到日本那里有的学日语了，真希望快点考完SPM就去日本学习。很想快点离开这里，不想再知道他的事，留下我一定会找他的，一定又会被他伤害的，所以最近我都变得很冷漠了，因为我清楚的明白了，他说我没有机会开始，我的心就真的冷漠了。什么也不在乎了，这样是好吗?【冷漠的温柔】--- 真的很适合我。

你们知道吗，【冷漠的温柔】有一个香水瓶拍的，名字叫Anna Sui。我想有用香水的人一定知道，听说是Anna Sui的意思是【冷漠】。这不是很适合我吗?哎呀，随便了，反正也是贵的，买不起哦。可是没想到我家里也有人用Anna Sui，刚刚在她的房间里看到也吓了一大跳。那个人是二姐。二姐是冷漠吗?我想是她朋友送给她的吧。随便了，反正他认识的朋友都是有钱，斯文的。我的?唉....简单就好。可是不知道怎么搞的，最近比较和有点名气，人气，钱和说意气的人在一起多。像阳那样38，和每次侮辱人，不尊敬人的人，自以为是的人在一起就少了。以前还和妈妈说和这些人在一起就好。反而现在觉得和另一种性格的人出去比较好，钱方面不用烦，transport也不用烦，妈妈也不会烦，而且出的安心，也不用被骂和侮辱。更加没有伤害了。

真的很好笑，人的改变...真的能一时一样，如果有一天，我在和阳见面时，我是否又会像以前一样呢?还是会变成另一种的眼光看他呢?我和他是俩个世界的人....这我早就知道了....只是现在的看法比以前更不一样了....

* --- ：：： 新年那一天我明白了 ：：：--- *

各位，好久没聊了，你们最近过得好吗?新年了，你们是怎样度过呢？新年的那天，我有预感，阳会打电话给我和我聊天，可是等到晚上11点多都没了，我还以为自己预感错了所有打给他说新年快乐。结果他说本来到了2点他会打给我和我聊天聊到早上的。那时候我真的很开心，所有我就快快的盖电话等到2点他打来。那时候我们是很开心的聊天的，我还和他妈妈妹妹说新年快乐。我没什么阴谋，只是人家说如果和很多人说新年快乐着会对自己也很好而已。

我准备了好一切等他打来，好不容易撑到2点了，他真的打来了，可是却说他很累想睡觉不聊了。我虽然失望，可是在我等他电话的期间我也预料到他会这样说。认识了那么久，难道还不知道吗。可是不知道怎么了我们聊聊下就聊到很久了。也不知不觉中他提会以前的事。我和他说我不想提，我现在只是很单纯的想和他做朋友而已。他却说他从来没把我当朋友看待。我心痛了一下，可是最后还是忍了。不久我好想听到他说我连陌生人都不如，我却实非常伤心了。但我忍了。到最后他说他没有这样说过，所有我也算了。

我觉得很奇怪，为什么他一直要提回以前的事。刚开始真的是我的错我和他分手了，可是我也后悔啊。我用尽办法挽留他，保护他，爱他，可是他都不要。说什么他给我很多次机会，全都是我自己放开了。没错，我真的说过我想放弃他，想忘记他，可是我也逼不得已啊。家人的啰嗦，朋友的背叛，爱人的不解。我真的感到非常疲惫。我放弃他是因为他心里已经有别人代替了我。我又何苦再逼他呢？我放弃他因为他连拥抱我也不要，而且还散开，这样的人我又如何继续下去。一个一直说自己没有错的人，一直伤害我的人，恨我的人，我又何苦要继续爱他呢？

这几天我一直和自己说，没关系的，不是他女朋友也没关系的，至少我还知道他的消息，至少他需要人安慰的时候他会找我，这样的身份比女友还好，不是吗？可是到了昨晚他说他从来没有把我当朋友。而且他也说了，就算现在我要和他说给多我一次机会他也很肯定的说不会了，他已经和全部人说我和他不会再有任何关系了。他也能很肯定的说我没机会了。我好伤心，可是我忍着没哭。我还笑笑的和他说，没关系啊，我又没说要和他在一起，这样很好啊。突然我问他，如果有女生问他要不要做爱他们男生会怎样回答。他无言，大概知道我说什么了吧。接下去我说，我有个对象，可以当我男朋友的，突然他说他不想和我聊天了，晚安。就这样盖了我的电话。

这次我再miss call他，他打回来，问什么事。我就问他怎样了？突然这样，不是说好聊天到天亮的吗？他很冷的说很累。我知道是骗人的，可是我还是问他最后一次，我是不是他的朋友，他安静了。结果我说“你喜欢我对不对？”他安静了。我再问“你爱我对不对？”他又安静了，过后我说，我猜对了是不。他还是无言，我倒觉得心里有一点点的甜蜜了。我说他孩子气，又爱吃醋，又大男人主义，真拿他没办法，我笑笑的说。可是他又很冷的回答，“那又怎样？我已经说了很清楚，你要为自己所做的和所说的负责和别后悔。”

我问他，他认识我那么久了，难道还不明白我是怎样的一个人吗？他说他知道，我是撑不久的人，到最后还是会原谅他的。他都已看清楚我是这样的人，为何还要赌气？明明还爱我为什么这么狠心的对我？我不知道，也不明了。我心很痛，不知不觉我眼泪也开心流下。他说的很明了，我没机会的。到最后我在问他，我是不是他朋友，因为我想清楚的明白，如果不是，我再也不用理他了。虽然想，但还是会忍。可没想到他的回答是...“如果不是你以为你现在和谁聊电话？”我糊涂了，到底他想怎样？我很乱。所有的东西他也说得很明了，做女友是不可能的了。不是朋友到最后又是了。他说他恨我，他讨厌我。因为我家人讨厌他。他说我家人讨厌他是我一手赵成的。如果不是我做白痴的东西我家人也不会这样对他。但是我家人讨厌他却是他自己本身的事啊，我又没说什么和做什么。我家人说看他样子就知道不是好人，这又不是我说的。

过后又说，如果我要和他在回一起，除非我家人能接受他。我说如果他是真心爱我的我会尽力的办到。可是问题是....就算我家人原凉了他他也不一定会和我在一起。我问他“竟然这样你又何苦要我家人原谅你呢？”他又无言。那时我说想忘记他是因为他心里有嘉喜的存在，我得到他的人可是他的心不属于我了。他说他会爱她是因为我逼他的。他说他讨厌别人无赖他，因为我一直说他爱她的他不爱我了，所以到最后他真的爱她了，他说这是我害得。真的是我害的吗？

我反问他“那为什么你和她在一起的时候要我等你？你敢说你不爱他吗？”他说“如果我不爱她我不会和她发生那种关系的。”我说“竟然这样你很早就爱她了，那又何苦要我等你呢？等到的结果是你完全不爱我了。”我心很痛，真的很痛，可是我还是很温和的和他说话，因为我不想发脾气。可是到最后他说他没有错，错的全是我，他恨我，他不会原谅我，也不会给机会我。他说我说话很矛盾，我也觉得他是，可是他说他没有。我又能怎样？明明爱我的他，明明我也爱的他，就是偏偏不能再一起，为什么？因为一个恨字。我们相爱过，所有也怕了。

结果那一晚，我想的很清楚，我要改变自己了，所有的都要换掉了。不再和他联络了。抱住双腿哭了一整晚，真的很辛苦，痛苦的大哭一场。心真的很难过，心碎的不能再碎了。很冷的心，很冷的我，就这样入睡了。到了早上，他打给我，叫我过快乐的新年别想这么多，我说他还是很在乎我的。可是为什么这样对我。我决定了，这10个月，算是我还他的吧，不管他要怎样对我就对吧。我不在乎了，就这10个月。很快过的。虽然我清楚明白我没有欠他什么，要还得我也还完了，被他伤害，挽留什么也做了。他不接受我也没办法。

我也和妈妈说了，考完SPM，我就会立刻去日本读书，或许会留在malaysia，但如果可以一定去。我和妈妈说因为我想学日语，这是原因之一，愿因之二是我不想去当兵。我笑笑的看这妈妈。她帮我说了原因之三“最重要的就是让你离开那男的。你知道我说谁吧？”我点点头的看着妈妈。心理很伤，真的很伤。我问过阳，他想怎样，要我留下还是离开，他不回答。所以我也帮他回答，我留下，10个月。他还是很生气的。但我也没办法。我能怎样...他都说得那么明了。昨晚说我没可能当他女朋友，可是早上的电话又说不一定，我或许可以当吧。我真的很心碎，很悲伤痛苦。昨晚的眼泪流的太多了。我和自己说不哭了，反正都要离开他了。我会有我的新生活的，在过10个月。我会悄悄的离开，除了我家人，就没有人知道我会离开了。

在还没和阳聊电话的时候我在看小说，“冷漠的温柔”这是一个没有完美结局的故事。我是第一次看到。虽然觉得可惜，到最后女主角还是没办法说爱一个人，她还是对爱这个字眼觉得可怕。但她提男主角生了一个宝宝，虽然没有结婚，可是男主角愿意等她。他体谅她，这不是很好吗？我们人生本来就是这样，因为不是每一样东西都会有完美的结束，不追求完美的结束，就能很像他们这样，没有完美的结果，但还是过的很快乐。这不是比完么的结果好吗？

女主角每一天都会说“爱是一种酷刑”我本来不是很明白，但看完了故事之后我就明白了。她说“爱是一种酷刑，请别说爱我，我答应你我不会离开你，但请别说爱我，我喜欢你，我不会做对不起你的事，但请别说爱我。”她的恐惧，让他慢慢的调查到她的背景，结果他慢慢的明白她为何那么的害怕。看完以后，我也深深的明白了，爱是一种酷刑，所以我也不要爱了。有句话是我自己所造成的，希望你们喜欢。

没有开始，没有结束。
没有一起，没有分开。

没有期待，没有失望。
没有爱情，没有痛恨。

这你们赞成吗？我可是把爱这个字看得和女主角一样了，【【爱是一种酷刑，我不要爱了。】】

= ::: What The Hell ::: =

I dont know what can i do now, today in school keep thinking about him again, no matter how i hate him, i still thinking of him. Really very regret why last night i wan online. Anyway, stop talking him here.

Today my club was starting, i join a Wudo club, something like fighting wan, alot guys was get shock cause less girl have join only, 60 people have 6 was girls only, and i'm the most best girl in there. Also can say i better then alot guys also. XD ofcours la, cause i'm fat and my bone so strong wan.

I try join alot thing now, always afterschool then go friend house tuition, when free go badminton club for fun. I always will later home after 7.00pm now. But today when i finish tuition i was talking school thing v my best friend. She know me already have 6 years, i dont know why last year she wan join v that all girl and fight v me, but lucky today she have tell me. I dont know today she treat me good is really good anot. I dont know tomorrow she will tell what i tell her today anot. But i still wan to believe. I dont know why, i let alot ppl fake be4, hurt be4, but i still wan believe them. Some dont have la.

I know why last time all girls was argue v me, cause have alot mistake they know me. I tell her today, i dont wan explain v them cause i'm not really care about what they think me now. And i wont explain for her cause she know me more longer then them. I v her already was 6 year best buddy. Who am i she know more then them. She my only one know 6 year in school now. Others all already finish SPM.

I tell her alot thing, and i know alot thing also. I dont wan be ke po to knwo ppl secret. But atleast i know how they think me now. Say me cheap ? Say me so open ? Say my photo have problem? Say i have mental problem? What the fuck. Who more cheap then who no need i say they all also know, go ppl party wear bikini, i know that party sure wan wear it, but they have wear it i dont have also say me cheap ? I just close v guys, always hug and hold them only, but i'm not who also hug. I ask my best buddy, did she saw i hug or hold or kiss any guys in our class, she say no. Ofcours la, i'm not close v them also. I just will hug who i trust and close friend only.

Say i very open always hug and talking ham sap thing v others? But what i know is they do this more then me, what i know all also they teach me wan. Somemore i always was open mind, have any problem? Why say until they not open mind also? What i know is they more open mind then me what ! My photo have problem? Now everyone also take it, i will delete my friendster cause i dont wan let them see my photo. Cause what i know is when computer class they online sure open school ppl profile and look, look never mind, somemore still wan say more bad thing v them. Really yi ma gu jie , sam gu lok po all also there.

Why people mouth wan me so bad? What i know is they not this bad at all, just like talking ppl bad thing. School have a japan girl new student come, but she dont know speak japanese. But she keep bully people. My class all so hate her cause she keep bully their younger sister. So all fight back. Really no i comment about them. Abit thing then say others Sok Cun, scared them so dont wan fight back or else. Really if clever people still will choose quite right, haiz....what a friends....nonono, is what a classmate i have now.

Boys i think is ok, just girls...really ke po until....no comment. But anyway, this last year, so i also talk some v them. I say not means i agree what they do. Haiz...Anyway, i just try use alot way to stop thinking him only. Never mind la, i will be fine later. Finish this blog i wan on msn see have any msn they leave it to me. If not...then good, if have...then really alamak.

Oh ya, one more, today after i tuition my teacher was pray for me, and i cry, i tell her i have alot hate in my heart, v parents, v friends, v lover. When she pray foor jesus i cry, after that i feel cant breath, i get more and more angry, i know my heart was evil, but she say i look like a good girl, but who know ? Face and heart is different. I let teacher know i cut my hand and try to die be4, she ask me dont do it anymore, i'm sure say ok. Cause i promise Ah Boy be4 i wont hurt myself again, and i also very regret when i saw that...hurt on my hand. Always feel heart so pain can cant forgive and forgot it.

Anywaym still the same, God Bless Me and All Of You All.

--- ::: God Help ::: ---

I was using one week time no online and no sms no misscall him anymore. I thought i already hate him and put him down. So just now i online. He find me, ask me scold one girl, i dont know what wrong. Then he invite me chatt v that girl. I know he love her, so i no bother anymore. He keep scolding me bad words, at the end, he ask me leave that room also. Cause i keep asking that girl what he do make him angry and sad ? Then the girl tell me in friendster she write she will miss her ex bf, then he angry.

I know Shin was jealous about that. So i no say anything. I ask she tam him back but that girl say she no feeling v Shin. And say she still love her ex alot. Shin keep scolding me bad words without reason. My heart get hurt now, i dont know what can i do now. That girl dont love him cause she think Shin is play boy, so she dont wan accept him. And she tell Shin give her time put her ex bf down she just accept him, then Shin angry. I dont know why he wan me help him scold that girl. Who am i for him ? He dont wan let me know he love that girl, but at early i already know it.

I really dont wan bother and dont wan know his thing anymore, God, plsease protect him i wish he be happy, but i also wish he happy or love who dont let me know anymore. You can take all my happiness for him, but dont let me know it. God, what can i do now....

I dont wan online 1 week again, really....dont wan online 2 week. NONONO, i think 1 month better. God, bless me and him and my parents. I wish my happiness can give all of them, all their sadness will give me. I dont mind what you wan me to do anymore , just they happy i dont mind anymore. Let me can focus my SPM this year, others thing i really dont wan bother anymore. He love who not my biness anymore. My heart no more love anyone, no more hate anymore. I need a normal life, no love no hate. God Bless Me.

--- ::: Hope So ::: ---

Well, i cant log in his friendster anymore. Cause he already changes he password. But he never tell me. I guess he dont no need or dont wan me anymore .Maybe he thought my acc already delete him or else. But my friendster acc is already be delete. I'm sure he already mistake me and angry me. But...what can i do. That day untill now, he never miss call me and sms me. He look like dont care me anymore. Maybe that day i no reply him so he dont find me anymore. But never mind, he so many girl's friend and alot people chatting v him. Have me anot also never mind.

I have buy one nice book for writing my dairy. And all inside i write the first word is his name "Yan". When i finish write his book then i just start write what i wan tell him. I scared to sms and miss call him. I scared hear he scold me again. I scared he angry me again. I scared i cant let him go anymore. So what i wan to tell him i write all in that book. One normal book also wan RM 22 leh, so expensive. But the paper really nice, this is first time i buy normal line book so expensive. My sis all say me watse money also. But....anyway, i also have bought three pen - blue, dark and red for using that book also. Especially wan XD

I damn missing Shin alot. Anything i wan ask him or tell him i write all inside. I feel so happy and hurt when i was writing. Somemore i think about last time when i was together v him, how sweet we are. So i write untill so happy. But mostly i write untill so sad...cause i keep thinking nagative. Dont know why, auto think about it.

Oh ya, and my classmate. That girl's all fighting now, really dont know why they wan be friend last time. Always argue. I know friend argue is normal, but actually all also dont like each others, all also talk each other bad thing behide them. Last time i get it, so i not so close v them, now is that girl . Really pity v her, so when i free i was talking v her. Beside, this girl last time say me bad thing untill so bad. But...Never la.

I keep alot question in my mind, but mostly is asking myself how Shin. Last time i was damn worry about him. But now i can sure he wont. Because i too understand him. But when he always ask am i really understand him? I always answer no. Not really dont understand him, is because understand that why dont wan tell. I'm sure he can take care himself anymore, no need asking him no need care him and also no need love him. Last time i told u all i saw him in one utama v his god-sis is it? Now think back, he give me the feeling was different. I no more love him much now. Abit got, so i keep writing any msg for him in that book.

Today i write awhile, i suddenly remind back what he done to me last time. He say love me but together v other girl. Somemore wan me wait untill the end i what also no get it. Between he have sex v that girl, he say is the girl ask him to sex and say that girl force him. When i say that girl cheap he was damn angry me. On that time i already know he Damn Full Love her more then love me. Last time i was very confuse it so i no think porperly, but today i think back what my god-bro tell me, he say "if one guy not really wan it, no one can force him."

Shin have tell me before, no one can force him do anything. Ya he right, when i akways forcing him he really always say cant and no. But he was tell me he having sex v that girl, first is that girl open mouth ask first. Second is she was his gf, so need have it. I really cant image it. Just keep non stop crying few month that time. Lucky now just remind back and get hurt only. Then no more. I keep telling myself why i cant forgive him ? Why i always think about it ? It already past is it?

Beside, still the same, have alot people aks me put him down also. Aks me stop loving him also. I dont know what can i do. Really dont know why everyone also wish i let him go. And also wish he let me go also. If he or me dont let each others go , others people sure will do alot thing make us broke. And now as they wish, we broke. But they still dont wan stop it, still keep continue do alot thing. I dont wan know and hear all thing about him anymore. Just let me rest more.

At the end, still same...God Pls Care and Help Him So Much. Alliluyah. Ah Men. God Bless Me.

::: — Just You Happy — :::

My friendster already delete, i no more website can play now. The only one i play is blogspot now. I was very very boring no more friendster. No more comment see no more upload new pic. But...i still can log in Shin profile looking around. He have giving me his pass last time untill now, cause is for helping him edit pic or edit friendster backgroup.

Anyway, i just finish cry again. I keep thinking negative abour Jia Li and Shin. I know Shin wont love her, and i know she wont love him also. Cause Jia Li have one so lovely bf. As i know she damn love him like i love Shin also. But i also still cant accept he holding and laying v Shin.

For them i know they just friend so normal. But i cant accept why Shin can holding others girl, hug then or let them touch him or he touch them. But for me why not? I dont understand at all. Is it he know i love him so he keep away ? He scared i mistake or what ? How come? I know he dont love me anymore, but at least hug me also can? Just friend hug, pls...

If he really think he dont wan hug me is the most good then he was wrong !!! This will be hurt me more only !!! Did he know that ? I know he sure. But he also do that. Last night he tell me he feel boring , wan find gf for bully. But dont know find who. Then i ask him how about bonnie? kinkis? gigi? or else? He say else gua. But he also have say the most more changes is bonnie. And say he wan watch movie "The Game Plan", he told me no one go watch v him. Then i say i promise help him find people go watch v him. I know i cant touch him anymore when today he tell me we not a couple so he dont wan hug me.

But when i help him find ppl go watch movie he say dont wan, cause i find that one is guy, he wan go out v girl. After that he say never mind, maybe he will go watch v bonnie. Last time he first time asking bonnie out is hold hand whole day. How about this time he go watch movie v bonnie? I remember when i first time watch movie v him is 30 sept 2007. Also my first kiss giving to him that day. I really cant image again when he go out v bonnie . I cant think again. Cause i think more and more negative now.

Beside my life not much now. My whole family also have serious sick, if we dont take care ourself we anytime also will suddenly go. I really wish i can hug v him so tie, kiss him harder, and wan him fall in love v me one more time. Also last time, wish he will tell me again "I Love You". But i know this wont come anymore. Haiz...if one day i really suddenly fall down and cant wake up, i wish i never wake up 4ever. I wish i just like this and go v God. I think that place will make me more relax more better then earth.

God will you allowed me go v you ? I know you are the best God in this world. Wish i can fastly go to your side. But be4 i go can pls let him tell me "I Love You" true from he heart ? I really wish he will love me again.

No matter you are Shin or Elson. Both i also love. Forever be in my heart, i will forever loving you. Ever and ever. I promise and swear. I will pray for you all the time again and again. Still the same, just you happy , anything i also dont mind. Even i'm not the special and not the only one in your heart i also dont mind. Just you happy, what you wan me to be i all also dont mind. I promise. And i promise i will support you all the time.

Tell the true, you wearing punk in pic really look cool and nice, but in real life, i dont think so. Opss, i'm sorry i never tell you the true. And i know u no see this blog, but, i wish you happy only. Just you feel when you wearing like this is cool and happy then is ok. Sorry i wan leaving friendster without telling you, sorry i wan leaving your life without telling you. Sorry i wish i wont hear and know about your thing anymore. That why i leaving you.

But i still will pray for you. God, i know you will listen my voice all the time. Pls help me take care and protect Shu Chee Yan all the time, and i promise be4 also, take my happiness all to him. Just he happy i dont mind anymore. And pls help me protect my family also. I Love You So Much Jesus.

* --- God, Pls Help Me --- *

Just back from one utama v mum. Today Shin also have go one utama find his god-sis. I ask him to come. I thought he and his god-sis not so close, i know they know each other more then me, but last time both also tell me both also not so close v each others. Jia Li keep aksing me leave him , last time i really think maybe she think this is good for me, but...now...i...dont think so. Today when Jia Li work break she go eat v Shin. When they back, i saw Jia Li holding Shin hand, my heart shock and pain. I dont know what i support to do. But that time they no saw me, cause i was behide of them. And that time my mum and sis all choosing shoes. So no saw Shin, if not they sure go kill him. Cause my family very very hate him.

When Shin saw me he tell Jia Li i'm there, when Jia Li turn to me i smile for her. She ask me go there and find her i dont wan. One reason is my mum there, second reason is i dont know how to face her. I saw she holding hand v Shin like a couple. And when they both looking at me, Jia Li was laying down on Shin shoulder, and Shin allowed it. Before that i was already meet Shin v myself. My mum dont know. I choose the time when they choosing shirt then i walk to find him. I hug him, but he never hug me, and i blame he now hug me also dont wan. Cause he say we not a couple, if we hug like this look like what ? I say as a friend hug also can ? He no reply.

And now when he going out v others girl, they also holding hand, and have hug , this call friend? This call promise? He say he promise he wan holding them when they come out and shopping. This i really no comment about it, but when i wan he hug me he dont wan, somemore when i hug him he turn he haed to other side. My heart broke, really so pain when i know it. I dont know what can i do anymore. Then i just laugh v him and walk away.

Now i saw i beloved friend Jia Li hold him and lay down on his shoulder in front of me, what i support to do? When i when home, i delete my friendster acc, and i wish to changes phone number and msn also. But i cant, friendster i already delete, but hp and msn cant, cause have long time ago friend in there also. Jia Li, she know i love him, why she wan do this to me? Maybe for her she was long time ago friend v him, and this is normal, cause i hear Shin last time say be4, they always hug.

I no comment about it, and i cant jealous, i keep non stop crying when i remember they holding hand and lay down on his shoulder. I very very heart broke. And i swear, this Shin already changes alot, who also can hold , hug, kiss him or even sex v him also can. I dont wan this kind of guy anymore. Really wan say bye bye this time. I...

What can i support to do...!!! I dont wan cry anymore !!! I dont wan heart pain anymore!!! Who can help me ? God , did u listen my voice? I'm sure you will listen my voice, tell me what can i do now? Tell me why Shin changes untill like this? Why Jia Li wan do that think in front of me...? Why i wan jealous? Why i still loving him so much ? I'm really sorry about that god, is me pray for you say, just he happy anything i also dont mind, but i really no think this, he happy was in front of me, and he happy will make me hurt so much. Is it this is what i support to get when i pray?

But no matter how, i still wish he can happy always, even he do sex or kiss or hug or hold more girls in front of me also nvm, i cry i sad but i will control in front of him. No matter how, he smile is all the best for me, just he happy, i dont mind at all. Even today my mum and sis all already know Shin in one utama and they keep scolding me i also dont mind. I know i'm stupid, but love is stupid. God, i pray for Shin, and all my family now. Pls help me take care all of them, and my aunt, wish she will feel more better now. God, I Love You.

♥ --- Sorry i'm love you so much --- ♥

Well, my undang....is FAIL ! As all my family say, i'm not fail that sure not me. Well, i dont mind this all, cause i also know it XD hahah. Haiz...i fail, but i know one girl be my friend also. Her name is Cui Xian, she a very funny and cute girl, beside she very love to take pic also. I very happy about it ^^ Both of use fail, i get 34/50 Y_Y she get 40/50. We already say next week we gambateh again ^^ hahaha, as my mum say, even how i everyday keep study also no use, cause for my brain, i need to be more work harder then ppl ×3 . Haiz, really...cham...hope my SPM will get pass!

Well, when i was on the way going home ah boy was phone me, and when my cousin hear i talk v boy then she angry, say wan go eat later no go also. FUCK ! I very super hungry leh ! Whole day no eat also ! DIU! After that i keep chatting v ah boy lo, but he since like busy. So i off his phone, later he send msg say me bad, ask me dont choi him anymore. Then i say dont choi dont choi lo, got gold leh! But he need to care me XD

Anyway, when i back home my first sis call me ask me wan go sing K anot, sure i say yes! Cause i always wan go sing it XD We go the curve red box sing, at 6.00pm sing untill 9.30pm, we sing alot old and new song. I very happy today, and one thing good was i no crying, when i back home, i ask my sis wherether can go sg.wang and ts anot? I wan buy cloth, btw i also wan find shirt for Shin! But sure sis dont know this. So sis agree tomorrow we go sg.wang and ts. I very happy about it.

After that when i ask her Shin also wan follow us go buy cloth can anot they face all changes, and my cousin keep saying last time thing again, i already explain that was mistake! FUCK! Then i very angry go back room, i angry not because sis say NOT ALLOWED SHIN GO OUT V US! I angry is my cousin always like this! When i explain dont listen, after that bla bla bla. I very Du Lan leh ! When i back too room i cry again, i keep talking v myself, why they all like this think shin, he last time do that all too me also not his fault, somemore alot thing also i mistake him. Wan me stop contact v him i cant do that! I very very love him, but i never wish to back v him, cause i know he sure say..."dont know, see lo, this thing i dont have much wish" i know he heart no more me, and i no force him. Already normal, but i really wanna see him.

Always hear he say who who looking at him, who who kiss him, touch him, hug him , he hold who, touch who i very very jealous and angry. But i know i cant. Well, anyway, he happy then enough, i wont stop anything anymore. Later i go bath, when i bathing i smoke again, i think alot thing again, but when i smoke i feel better, no more sad and others, so now just can open computer and write blog. Actually today i dont wan online wan. Haiz...but also Shin ask me online la, say wan chatt something. My shopping sg.wang change already, changes to one utama and go out v my mum. This is changes when i say Shin also wan following us later.

Ah ! I dont know what i'm thinking about ! Dont know what i'm talking about. Haiz...family alreayd got alot problem, for work for family all also! I dont wan give them alot problem anymore. But they wan start keep thinking this and that i also cant control. Just hope they no distrud me then can already, cause i having SPM this year , i really try my best focus on my study. Hope they wont break my moody!

Anyway , actually god today also treat me so good, know one more new friend, going out v sis, give me the heart for make me feel wan study. Last time how lazy i am i already know, but dont know this year why so hard working, really need thanks god alot ^^

Last thing i wan tell is, Shin, i love u i love u i love u so much. I know u dont know i have blog in here, and u wont see it, beside i also no wish u see it too. I never think be4 wan let u know. No matter what u do, wan have new gf, or bully others, or i'm not the only one in ur heart , or i'm not the one u love anymore, or i'm not the special one let u bully anymore i all also dont mind. Just you happy, what i also dont mind, actually i mind and care alot. But i'm not who for you anymore, just you happy....really just u feel do that you will happy...I...will control myself. I'm so sorry i cant put you down. I'm sorry i love you so much.

--- >>> Promise is a promise <<< ---

Last time when he changes name to Elson means he are sad and loving that girl. And now he changes back to Shin, cause he say he put her down already. This few day he treat me so good, never scold me cause he say he are Shin now, that funny Shin i love last time. I feel so happy about it. Really cant image he changes was in one day. I really very SUPPRISE about that. Beside, me and Ah Boy thing was settle already. We are friend now.

But i know even how Shin back anything also changes. He back, but he heart never back also. I miss Shin, i tell everyone i love Shin, and Shin very love me too. Shin was back, but he dont love me anymore. As he say, even he back anot anything also changes. He heart changes love changes anything also changes. So i still the same --- Alone.

But i happy he treat me so good now, can say he never care me bah. Cause he know alot net girl friend now. He very worry them, when they do abit thing he also will scold him or make fun v them. I thought i'm the only one girl who can make he angry and scold me. I tell myself, should i be happy now？Cause have other girls same like me also. But my heart tell me NO! I wan be the special in his heart. But as i know, is now who also can together v him and take my place. I have told him i still miss him and love him. But...he no comment about it.

Well, is normal i hear it. Anyway, i very gald to hear that he was happy. And i promise and swear be4, He happy, anything i also dont care. So i'm sure god hear it, and now he become so happy. Thanks god alot. Even he dont love me anymore, even he heart dont have me anymore, i promise, just he happy, others i dont care. Just he happy, i dont mind what he done to me last time anymore. Just he happy, just he be fine, just he can smile, what i also can do. Promise.

Ok la, stop here...Tomorrow have test undang, hope i can pass it. But i'm sure i will fail. Haiz...anyway, take second test lo ^^" Gambateh ^^

--- ` Si Beh Du Lan Oo ` ---

Last time i already write i have something just tell Elson never tell Ah Boy, and Elson promise he wont tell Ah Boy, but last night he tell Ah Boy, and i say why he like this one? If like this last time i what also dont wan tell him, then he angry say he nth chatt v me anymore, wont find me anymore. Ma Chao Hai ! I Si Beh Du Lan leh !!! I still dont wan tell ah boy at all !!! Why he very ke po !! He promise he will tell me the conculsion when he chatt finish v ah boy. And After that he dont wan tell me anymore. He ask me ask ah boy, when i ask ah boy, he say nth. What The Fuck !!!

Who am i ? Toy ? Should i support to know what happen and what going on ? Why who also dont wan tell me ? And just now i online, i saw last night Elson send me last msg. He say he dont wan stand middle btw me and ah boy, he feel so tired and hate it !!! So Hai Betul !!! Am i have ask him do it ?!!! NO !!! NEVER !!! Just he tell ah boy himself only, and he never ask my permision. And he say he helping me settle problem. He know if this thing come out from his mouth to ah boy should have many problem. And i dont wish to give ah boy up now also.

And now how ??? I cant focus for my study!! I keep on thinking what wrong v them, what they chatting ? What happen at all ??? Why no one telling me ???!!! Am i really stupid for sitting v myself and keep thinking such fuck thing ? Oh God !!! Help !!! I really dont wish to contact v them anymore. And lucky now i can do it, Elson phone me i no pick up, cause i was on bathing, but when finish bath i also dont wan reply him. And on msn, i have write title say "to two boy, dont find me and chatt !!"

I really very very DU LAN about it anymore !!! They two brother good la!!! From start keep playing me untill now !! The So Hai Elson say he very hate and tired stand btw me and ah boy !! But he never thing how much ah boy stand btw me and Elson ??? Stupid Betul !!! Always think himself like so pity !!! SO HAI !!!! Never think about others !!!

I REALLY SI BEH DU LAN V THEM !!! IDIOT MOTHER FUCKER PUSSY ASS HOLE !!!!

--- ::: ` Happen coming ` ::: ---

Well, this few day Elson have phone me, but today whole day dont have, i wan phone him or sms him ask what he doing . But i cant, i keep telling myseld whole day, i'm not he gf, he not love me, dont fall in love v him, pls give him up.

Yesterday night i have phone v him, he say him self so handsome cause he changes he hair style, but honest, he really is handsome. I wish to see him, but i cant. On last sunday he go out v Bonnie, his net friend, is a beautiful girl. He keep holding her hand walk whole day , i was jealous, but i never let him know, my heart so pain, but i quiet also. Maybe is normal to know this news. So last night i ask him dont kiss that girl, i not allowed, he ask me dont lao gai, if not he will ask the girl come out and kiss her, my heart damn pain, i cry, but i tell him i'm sleepy so need sleep. Then he scold me then off phone.

Untill today he never find me, i wan sms or phone him but i control myself. Is normal i always control myself. But one thing i'm sure is when i saw him i sure cant control. Sure will hug him kiss him. Did he angry me now ? What he doing ? Kissing that girl ? Meet more net friend? Have gf ? He have tell me this year he wont have real gf. And i have make joke v him did he still love me ? He say no, my heart get hurt again, but i tell him that great. How much brave i have ?

Haiz...beside, i'm still ah boy gf. How to tell ah boy all of this thing ? Ah boy cold to me again, he no find me, no sms me, but when i sms him he have so long just reply. I dont know what happen again. But...i really dont wan be he gf. I feel so hard , and i cant study also. I keep thinking how i do just no hurt him. But now i really hurt him alot. I lie him, i never tell him alot thing, but i tell Elson. And Elson ask me tell ah boy now, but how ? He look like so sad few day. How can i tell him ? I dont wish to hurt him. But Elson say if i wait longer time just tell him more hurt him. And Elson say he help also, but at the end he dont wan help also. Cause me , Elson and ah boy relationship really confuse.

Now i just wan study, but i cant study also. I keep thinking about Elson in school. And also keep thinking my undang, i untill now also haven go test undang. But i know i'm fail also, i dont even know at all. I wan chatt v ah boy like last time again so happy. But cant, he keep busy always. How ?

And my grandma, she keep changing now, cause she getting more old, she thought she will going to die soon, always think negative, then i always blame her XD because of her always think negative make my mum and aunt and me and my sis all also have this sick XD haha, even this is true but i just make joke v her. But really she keep thinking she will die soon. I'm so scared, cause i have friend he tell me he father always treat them so cold one, one day suddenly cook for them and buy alot thing for them, at night , then lay down on sofa and GONE.

I was very remember this story. And this story was last two day my friend tell me only. I dont know more my grandma will telling me this all. I wonder is god give this was my fate ? I wan thanks god alot, cause HE give me alot story in my life and now i can teach my younger sister to think also. I wan telling her really some ppl will suddenly go, wish she treat grandma better now. Cause she keep lcly v my grandma, make she hurt and cry. I dont know what can i do now. I know i'm not a good person also, always easy to get bad mood, but this few day i was trying myself to control it. I dont wan grandma sad anymore, wish god will bless her even my grandma dont believe god.

This few day really alot thing to happen, and i wish this will going past later and fastly. Cause i having SPM this year, i dont wish any happen also. And wish my undang will past on this saturday. God Bless Me, Believe God Forever. Love God Forever.

--- ` Much See ` ---

What i can do now ? I have upload i help Elson edit the punk style photo. And my sis saw it, keep saying him bad bad bad, and ask me away from him, anything is over and nth happen anymore, why she still wan do that all ? She say that all make me remember last time thing, i dont wan hurt Elson, no matter how i still worry about him so much, i hope my sis will understand and dont keep hurt him anymore.

Well, finally i'm ah boy gf, but...for me i dont think so, we know we like each other, but i still feel something "qi guai" , y ? Ah Boy was nice and good, but start when i together v him i dont have any feelling like last time anymore, i like ah boy as a friend, haiz...but i dont wan hurt him Y_Y

Today i have a dream, i dream i was shopping v Elson, i saw him, and auto move my body to him and hug him. oh God !!! why i have this dream ? That hug feeling so true, i cant even forgot it, i wan hug him again and again and again, he body so warm, last time i hug him that feeling still in my heart now, how can i forgot. I so miss him, even i still have cry at night when i thinking about him. I'm feel so sorry v ah boy, but Elson wont forgive me also. I'm a loser, i cant even fight v Elson, everytime he say anything i also will lose...Elson Elson Elson, i know me and him cant back like last time so sweet taht time, cause we have alot problem, and alot ppl dont wish i together v him. Not even my family and friend, he friends all also. I feel so sad.

I was forcing myself to focus as my spm study now, cause i dont wan think too much. But....i still think about him so much. Today Elson will go out v net friend. He wan mee bonnie - girl. Today Elson go out v alot girl. I very worry about him, when i wake up i wan sms him, and phone him, but...i'm not dare, i pick up the phone and type what i wan to say, but i never send it, i keep that msg in my phone.

Last night in msn he suddenly say he dont wan talk v lynnette anymore, i shock, i use so much time just can accept he and lynnette only, now say dont wan talk v her anymore? And say she make him angry. I really very shock !!!

And that stupid net frienf sook ching, i very hate her, she really a 8 poh, i dont know why Elson still wan go out v her and contact v her also. You all know why i very hate her ? Cause last time i still love Shin, i just argue and broke v him, then that sook ching say she got meet Shin, and say shin take out his cloths and show her he fit fit body !! GOSSS !! That time i really believe her, i feel so sad and cry , cause i never think Shin was ppl like this.

After that Shin was invite me too go shopping one day, then i tell him this, he say this was nth happen, cause that time they have 3 ppl shopping, not 2. So i know is sook ching lie me, i know she love Shin, but also cant do this is it ???? Even this thing is last year past long time ago i still never forgive !!! What i do wrong v her make she say this all and hurt Shin !! And now i keep calling her 8 poh !!!!

Last night i finish edit pic for Elson, and i send to him, he put in msn , then sook ching ask him who edit it, he say is Bing edit, then that 8 poh say "Bing again?!!" then she offline !! Ya ah, is me !! so??!!! What wrong !!! I really wan send a msg to scold that ci bai lan jiao kiao !!! Face ugly never mind !! Your heart is good then i still will be friend v u, cause i'm not perfect also !! But her heart and mouth all also so busuk dan jahat !!! What for i still wan friend v her !!!

Today they still have meet !! I really very very angry it !!! That ji bai !!! I really very very du lan her !!!! 8 poh 8 poh 8 poh !!!

http://profiles.friendster.com/yuki01 This is that jibai lan jiao 8poh friendster website !!! Really so du lan her !!! Last time she keep chatting v me i thought she wan be friend so i reply her, who know she see Shin handsome then love him also, when she know we argue then she put more fire btw us !!! Si Bat Poh!!!! When i after school she still do this all i'm sure i NEVER FORGIVE HER !!!! I'm sure i will scold her or fight v her GAO GAO LIK !!!! JI BAI LAN JIAO SO HAI 8 POH SOOK CHING !!!!!!

* ::: 為什么會這樣 ::: *

愛你還是愛他，別問我，我什么都不知道。我以為我能就這樣放下他和你在一起。可是每當我面對他的時候，我總是有股沖動想這樣跑過去緊緊的抱住他。我真的好想將他完完全全的屬于我。可是他總是提醒我以前他怎樣對我。我好想和自己說原諒他和忘記他，可是就是辦不到。我愛他嗎?我不知道，我愛你嗎? 答案是我不愛，可是我很喜歡你，真的很喜歡你。我對你也只有好朋友的感覺而已，怎么辦? 我該放手嗎? 我不想傷害你，更不想讓自己后悔。 當初我放棄過你，可是我又找回你，可是那個時候我只是想找個人陪陪我而已。沒想到我只是把你當好朋友。昨夜我聽見你說你是真心愛我的，我心突然感覺到很痛苦和內疚。我不希望你愛我，因為我知道你我根本都不可能的。


面對他我總是會乖乖聽話，而且總是會為他做一切和擔心一切。也容易發脾氣，面對你我總是不用擔心你，不會為你吃醋，不會為你生氣。面對你我也感覺不到任何安全感，我總是得不到我要的刺激，勇敢，安全，溫柔和等等的感覺。對你總是有淡淡的感覺，就是朋友啊，不想失去你是應為我把你當朋友，怎么辦。我怕放手了又后悔離開你。可是我又不想傷害你。 而且現在我還愛他，我不會和他在一起是因為他還是沒有改變，總是那么喜歡傷害我。可是和他聊天我總是快樂無比。我好想和他在回一起，好想不讓別人碰他。可是他是自由的，我怎么能那么自私呢。可是事實真明我是。

天啊，怎么辦，我....我該怎么做是好。神啊，救救我啊，為什么相愛的人不能在一起? 啊不，他不愛我，是我一相情愿而已。我怎么差點就忘記呢。

* ::: OMG ::: *

Will, today i sleep untill afternoon just wake up, then go down for watching movie v my parents, last night i still agrue v ah boy, lucky now nth already ^^ Happy leh ^^ hehe ^^ Today ah boy and elson both go TS for shopping buying some cloth, i hear ah boy say elsong wearing punker, i have saw that pic, really so cool, he totally changes alot, become more handsome, cool, yeng. When i always saw he pic my heart feel so sweet, like i still can looking and chatting v him, i feel happy also. Like this not good meh ? Dont so serious and chatt v him as a friend, still can know all thing about him, sure i still have agrue v him , but...better then be4 now.

I keep editing elson new pic for him, surely he all put in friendster, i dont wish he put, cause he really so handsome, if like that then will let ppl take that pic or will get more girl love him, first time hear he say wan put i really stop him like so terrible, i ask myself, am i jealous ? yes, i am. But think about ah boy say again, i'm not who for him, so..i just let it go. He wan put , go a head, i dont wan bother about that.

Will, now i chatting v him, when i finish write blog i going to off my computer, tomorrow still have school , i'm really very tired. SPM coming, really so scared, and my undang...OMG, i still haven know yet Y_Y

GOD PLS BLESS ME !!!!

- ::: Ah Boy I'm Sorry ::: -

Finally i tell ah boy what i done wrong already, he say forgive me, but chatt long ...i ask him, he mind girl not virgin ? Last time he say dont mind also, and now he say that's are play girl, so already done then never mind. Then i say i also play girl what, then he say if i am play girl then pls leave far away from him, dont near him, he dont wan. Then i suddenly so angry , my fs profile really write play girl, and i thought he know last time i keep playing also, i thought he will understand me, and now ??? NO, he...mind it...why ? After he ask me leave far away from him then i write "Bye Bye" then offline go bath.

Finish bath i online, he never find me anymore, maybe he busy working, i dont know. How come he will like this ? Even dont know me the Alice also know i love him, how come he not trust me ? I like play, but i never play love, maybe last time i hurt him be4, but now i really wont hurt him, he dont trust me, i feel so sad. I become like last time when it together v Shin again, i write a msg for Ah Boy, but i never send out again, look like last time me and Shin right ? write damn alot msg but one also never send out, untill now i delete all.

But now think about it is it my fault again ? Am i wrong ? Should i never make this joke of him ? He look serious about that, i know he get hurt be4, so i scared send that msg to him, cause i write [he a pig, even i like to play also wont play love and wont hurt him,] because of this few words so i never send out, i hurt him be4, i play others guy love be4, so few only !!! and i swear 3 day then i broke v them !!! And i have tell them i dont love them , just they wan only !! When i really feel cant love them then i broke up, i know this is hurt them but ...i also dont wan what...That time i keep love Shin so deep, who also cant accept. And now ah boy... i also dont know how, today Elson phone me he say when he birthday that day , he ask us all come out meet and celebrated v him. I dont know how to face him and ah boy at the same time.

Cause i know when Elson was here, i will always hug him kiss him hold him and sayang him so much. But i hope that day he will push me away, i really so wish can touch Elson again, but...what for ? Elson and me and my friends make alot trouble, i dont wish to bother it anymore. Ah boy and me was very happy now, no scolding, no fighting, no hurting, i thought everything was be go on like this, who know...i fight v ah boy just now Y_Y i very very sad now Y_Y How come ? Am i wrong again ? but he should know i love him, and we say already, if past one year more i love others boy then he give me up, untill now i still love Shin so much (But i have tell ah boy be4, he agree, and he know someday i will back v him), i say be4 what, no one can take Shin part of my heart. But Elson...i dont know.

I dont know what Elson done today, he phone me and look like happy, he ask me when he birthday he think i already get P lessen right ? I say i dont know, cause my undang really so bad now Y_Y i dont even know BM. How to take the test ? I have study, i have go learn and play, but...still cant. Really very very sad now. HEI !! THE PROBLEM NOW NOT ELSON AND MY "P" LESSEN !!! THE PROBLEM NOW IS AH BOY AND ME !!!! I dont wish to scold v him, he so care me and teach me alot thing, i really wan continue this relationship v him. Ah boy i'm so sorry...i like to play but i promise i wont play u...i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry.

Haiz...who actually understand me ?

* ::: Hope So ::: *

Now is 12.30am, so is time for sleep, cause when 6.00am i need to wake up for school.
I still very scared for school, think about last year, really so hard past one year untill holiday only.
Just now i just finish chatt v ah boy only, i have one thing never tell him.
Just keep saying sorry for him i done wrong thing last time. Really dont know how to tell him.
I still very scared to think about that....so he say tired then offline.

And after he offline elson find me chatt, he send something to me,
"我不知道我须要多长的时间才能真正的把你忘记，我不知道我还是否有想你的勇气，但是我知道我这份爱这份心痛，将会陪伴我一段很长很长得日子，明天将会如何? 我只知道在我内心深处，我会偷偷的把你收藏起来，让自己在宁静的黑暗里，去回味那段想你的孤寂，我们的爱情，不仅仅是一根把我们系在一起的红线，更是一根橡皮筋，彼此的心分别被系在两头，感觉那种向着对方牵引力，可是，随着时间流逝，我们的橡皮筋开始老化，那样日积月累的老化，终有一天，那原本强大的牵引也慢慢消失，拉得太紧的橡皮筋也终于断了。"

This is what he send to me, actually when ah boy just now send he pic to me i also suddenly feel heart pain already, i dun know why, then i go bath, lucky after that nothing already, but when i chatt v him...always chatt v him my heart jump really so fast, i feel so hurt also...dont know why, i thought i already give him up, but my heart tell me, haven...but at least i still can happy and smile to talk v everyone, i ask him why suddenly he write this all to me ? what happen ? write for who? he answer say he write for everyone.

Funny right, i...so hurt, but i just quite, i say "oo", then he say me so guai, sayang me...is it he wan me is be listen what he say ? be guai guai girl dun always scold and say anything ? if really like this, he win...i really dun bother what he say anymore...cause he also never say is because of me right ? Like ah boy say, no need think too much...

Elson really change alot...i really dont know what can i say and do anymore...he just will keep hurting me , scold me, say bad word v me, Like ah boy say again, i already know what type he are...what for i still wan bother about that ? Just as friend listen think he have joke then can lo..right ? Ya, i agree what ah boy say...And i was trying my best to think he was joke....Really really hope, i can do that...

k la, night la, tomorrow still have school, have a nice day everyone. Bye...

* ::: Wish Myself Goodluck ::: *

Well, i just woke up, when i wake up the first thing is do is sms v ah boy,
when ah boy reply me then Elson phone me, he keep syaing bad words to me,
what the hell, what i done again ? I just wake up leh...
He say "nia ma , u still on sleeping ah? po gai ah." i say i wake up already, just my voice got problem only.
Somemore i tell him my eyes become big jor, then he say "good, who ask u always keep crying and scold lought, dai ni sei"

But he never thing this few day i cry also because he suddenly scold me ah, i also dun know what happen also.
Afterthat he got explain, but how i know when he good mood when he bad mood,
Which words he dun like hear which words he like oo...SUPER SWT LA!
Somemore he keep saying alot bad words, i say dont like this ok ? then he say ..
"so? he now always also like this k la...so what" but i think he like this can, just respect ppl ok ?
Somemore i'm girl also, respect ppl got wrong ? Then he say "nia ma still sleep ah"
I say i already wake up, now playing computer, then he say....
"nia ma u no need go brushe ur teeth wash ur face ah? How come girl will dirty like u ah? U not look like a girl, no wonder ur friends all saying u" , ma chao hai ah, my friends again !!!

I hate to hear about them anymore !!! everyone keep saying me this and that, what i done for them again oo, pogai !! somemore i talking v phone v elson, how i go to brush my teeth ? i just wake up let ppl scold, somemore no time go brush also like this also get scold ? ma ji bek !!! Then i really very angry so i diam diam dun wan talk, then he say "cin cai u la, dun wan bother u anymore, i wan go work la, bb" i just straight away off phone, Meh Lan oo, is me dun wan bother him bah ? is me dun wan choi him bah ? is he phone me k leh...if him scold me k leh? is him make me angry k leh....Where got ppl like this ah ? still think himself no wrong ? Zha Dao !!! Lucky i still have ah boy, lucky ah boy understand me and him, thanks ah boy ^^ hehe ^^

Ah boy this few day he help me alot, he teach me dun care and dun think dun bother what my classmate say again, just study then can jor, but last night really get shock, Last night Elson phone me and scold scold scold so bad, i non stop crying, i also dun know what wrong that time, after that he talking like ah boy, i shock, and stop crying, how come ? he say that thing all is ah boy tell me be4, haha, so funny, but also good la, now i know Elson have one closer abit the bro jor ^^ Ah Boy XD hehe ^^ Hope they can 4ever be Bro ^^ hehehe ^^

Anyway, i still dont wish Elson keep scolding me bad words, still dont wish my classmate all talking about me anymore, tomorrow school start, really dont know how...haiz...k la, good luck for myself, wish tomorrow get fun la....

~Bing Bing ~